The Cold Step

by

There’s a itch that, no matter how much I scratch it

Or try distracting myself

It’s there like omnipresent-won’t go away-just-you-try

And no matter how many steps (quick footstep watch the ground)

It won’t

won’t

A splinter I can’t find so I start digging away at my skin/flesh

It’s there I swear it is

I can feel it, experience it, it absorbs me

But I can’t

see

it

So it’s back to

step, foot, foot, step [footstep]

over and over, just to distract

just so something else in my head is there

otherwise I’d just feel

the tick-tick of inveitability

of this stupid pain

sensation

overwhelem

And you know it’s so frustrating

because if I could just find it, see it, touch it, locate it

I’d rip it out and discard it

throw it a million billion infinite miles away into the sky

into space

where it would shatter, disperse into the void

never to

be

seen

again.

Orange

by

Stepping off for what feels like the 100th time into a sudden vacuum of noise and odour and

hard to explain but almost angry

There are seemingly thousands of routes and subroutes and fork-split-decisions-make-memories

And I overthink each and every one of them

So it

slows

down

so much that I

lose time

lose

lose

lose

And I’m well aware that I’m gaslighting myself

as no, I can’t control time or space at will

No matter how hard I try to pry back the inevitable like a weakened bar in a cell

worn down by effort, frustration and anger from years and year

I can’t

it won’t budge

That ever-present permanence, in-yer-face you can’t change it

So I just

stop

Spiralling

by

After 112,892 rabbit holes

Body zapping me awake over and over and over

Color all gone to monochrome

Heart rate raised but entirely useless

Dopamine all wrung out and dried in the sun

Thinking of 100 different ways to piece together one million fragments

Using no glue or tools or skills or reference or assistance

And just staring at them laid there on the floor

Some shiny in the sun, some dulled with dust, some just beyond repair

Thinking to myself, how do I piece these together so this time they just stick?

How do I take all these fragments, make them whole but make them strong?

And maybe I can’t

Maybe I’m chasing a strength I can’t have or figure out

Maybe there are so many hairline cracks that one day I’ll just

shatter

and just be looking up to the sky, evaluating and over-analysing the way the clouds are moving above me

Maybe it’s so fragile I’ll just

smash into countless pieces

and then at least have some integrity of not pretending I’m not a mess

gradually decaying and becoming one with the ground, the soil, the earth

just a speck of dust that caught your eye when it reflected in the sun

just for that split of a split-second moment

then the angle of the sunlight changes

and I retreat into shadow

The Zoom In

by

Looking through a box – tiny hole [think pin]

All the way inside – white, black, red – only little world

Magnified and distorted, bending of ligh

I could reach in and pull myself in and live there

But I can’t, so I’ll just

Eye wide open against the glass

Side to side and up and down

A little tiny world I created

But it’s static and I know it’s not real

There isn’t even any pretend people in there

Just some walls.

Divider

by

It’s simply something I can see out of the corner of my eye

You know, when you think you’re seeing it but you turn around and – voila, it’s not..

And then I turn back and it’s there

Compelling me to notice it

Opaque, tugging for my attention

Look at me, look at me, look at me

But I can’t because it’s not actually there

It’s almost dormant

But when I try to switch of

It’s look at me look at me worry about me worry please worry

It’s entirely fallible logic locked away in a huge piece of amber

Granted

by

I know it might not seem much

Just a tiny fragment of a memory in a box

Not even wrapped up, just sat there lonely with some old documents

The ones that smell of old books, of long-gone DNA, of happiness, of sadness

But it counts for a lot, more than I bargained for in fact

It’s like time is looping in on itself, and I can sense on the object your touch, your breath, your thoughts the last time you touched it

I think about how you probably weren’t aware it was the last time

And yet here we are, we fast forward, still frame like a movie

Me opening the box and holding this little treasure

It’s not valuable, there’s no exchange for currency

Even if there was, I’m not selling

I don’t want to hold it too long, I don’t want its magic to evaporate into the air

Into the air, out of sight, into the universe until it’s just microscopic specks of your memory

Nope, I just want to hold this tight, be cocooned by your memories and legacy

I wish you knew that although you’re gone, it’s these little pieces of you and your life that linger and keep you alive in my heart and mind and soul

I wish

Passing It Over

by

It all feels very, very sudden.

Like when there’s a storm, when it’s raining and raining and raining and it suddenly stops.

I’ve got all these years and years of memories of you.

To be honest, they’re slipping away like sand through my fingers.

I felt you move on to another stage today.

I could see it in the sky and I could sense it in the air.

I can sense it in the ground underneath my feet.

That passing on of heritage, of history, of family and love.

Or maybe it was just my mind playing tricks.

Maybe it was me trying to find meaning in the rainbow I saw.

I don’t know, maybe it was you, maybe it was you both.

And that’s where it’s confusing, right? –

the ambiguity, the chaos, the not knowing.

So now you’re gone, I just have to find beauty in the confusion.

After holding on to the thousands of memories I have.

Knowing that someday, when I pass, those memories will pass too.

Pilot Light

by

A super dramatic set of bright headlights in the rain on black tarmac

A furtive look through the window at this concept of another life which keeps turning its head away

It won’t look back just forward at only one possibility

In the sea of infinite trillions there are

I can barely see it; it’s not like some super clear crystal ball, no

More like the fleeting reflection on one single little raindrop

Almost nothing, almost meaningless

Just that familiar ‘what if’ before it dissipates

And then another drop, yet more

Repeat to fade

Drop

by

I want to table the idea of destiny and its lack of guidance and will

Grey sky behind me in the photo, yet smiling, so sure

You in the photo with the sea behind you

It’s slipped away [moments]

I want to curtail the way my memories pass through my fingers like sand from some beach I went to so long ago

To be able to nurture them, immerse myself in them no matter how cold or warm

Put the most important ones in a box only I have the key to

Put it away somewhere safe

I want to stop wondering what if this and that

That cruel torment and rumination of a billion and one futures that may or may not have been

If a photo could tell a story, looking back I don’t imagine it would have been an epic novel

More of a short story, something immersive yes, but a short story still.

You’ve Gone [Again]

by

Three times the charm, your reputation supersedes you

Opening a book wide open so much the spine started to crack

Pages trembling and cracking from age

But I know you touched these pages, I can sense your history, your legacy, your DNA

I feel and sense time wrapping and warping from your years to mine

I feel the air change and tense as time folds over like a crashing wave

This was destiny, I hear you say

I look up to rain on window, cracked memory of a forest from so long ago I can’t even begin

My recollection is vivid then dull then empty

Perhaps

..this memory was a story I read

.. a page in your book

…a time you read it out loud

Perhaps

..your DNA enters mine

…your legacy entwines with mine

… future vs past vs future vs now

I have to close this book

I’m sorry but it’s just for now

I put a bookmark in there to remind me, I used an old ticket

Something to jog my memory when I have none

Something to hold on to when my mind becomes so fierce and fiery +dragonlike

I don’t know how many more years