Abyssal

There once was a wish, a yearning, a feeling of certainty of need

That, now, seems quaint, naive

And perhaps it was

Perhaps it was just me seeing through crystal, assuming a romantic invitation and being

perhaps it was a copper bracelet held dear with no reason

perhaps it was the smooth feeling of an old wooden box with broken veneer

And as I look back now at

rows of bottles with my slight sad reflection

smashed on the floor into 10,000 pieces of little anger and grief

It seems strange and farway

like I was in some far-flung country with different gradient skies

and a language I don’t know that fades into the background like an exotic hot-sky whipser

And yet in the back of all this

the tick-tick-tick-tock of an ever-speeding-up clock

a gentle reminder of time past, time now and time future, counting down not up

And I see in my mind

rows of records

tapes

posters on wall

hope

love

and the grandiose plans of my youth

And when I revisit them

sometimes in vivid rich neon full-immersion memories

sometimes in dull, no-movement, no-body around heaviness

I think

of all the inbetweens

and what happened to them

as I know

some are just dust ground into the road, trampled down into nothing but tiny particles

some dissolved into the water of my life’s journey

some blown out with candles of years past – into smoke then air then nothing

and yet

and yet

yet

still some burn brightly, fused with the fight and energy I once held true and still do.

A choice is just a moment, a reflection splashing from

crystalline water with the upmost precision and dynamics

From a current unseen yet powerful, deadly, destructive

with the confidence of the ice surface breaking, snapping

luring out from underneath languorous ill feeling and resentment

And now it’s a dive upwards, fear and mocking and self-hate in one arrow, spear

headed fast towards the air, horizon, future

And angry though it is, it flies and soars with grace, with the arrogance of broken introspection

It’s a launch that can’t be undone

A decision that does not allow rethinking to be fostered

Because no matter all the doubt and will in the world

this moment has been made

it has been festering and growing with ever more detemination

since my heart gave it first beat.

Within a gradual greyscale decline

an actual continuation of

of what?

certainty?

an abstract definition of loss?

And maybe

I’m alone at sunrise

peeking at a horizon that simple isn’t mine to have

looking up at a sky I can’t own

knowing I will keep striving and

lusting for the happiness

Now fast forward and my

soul feels like a forgotten effigy

declining thoughts in an echo chamber

of decay and darkness

And the soundtrack is a symphony of my melancholic self obsessed egotistical depression

its a chequered flag of the last lap

last opportunity

before out, out, out.

theres a ripping growing tear in the sky

i could peel it further apart if I wanted to

Expose dark and

the simple inevitably the shore brings me

we sit here knowing even

in sunshine

sky azure calm airplane in distance

happier time

wonder where it’s going

somewhere distant maybe

focus back to us

smile to passerby

we are fine

everything is fine but

Separation

parting

Movie freeze frames silver

static , zoom in to pixels

become

mandelbrots

incandescent another life

time folds into scope

rays

laid in field

honey

honey?

walking through summer early dawn

rope swaying from tree

blanket swarm

where was I?

back sat on bench with you

eyes uneasily meeting

so I guess this is it?

when I look at the sky

jaded by grey clouds

The hazards my mind brings

peeling apart joy and hope like persistent stickers on glass

and I catch myself

looking up up up

trying to grab the clouds like

the cotton wool of my dreams

grasping and yelling but ultimately

Holding nothing

and opening my hand to find it was

just

an

Illusion

a trick pulled by dark conjurer

stuff of nightmares, some long

forgotten

luminal space in my soul

and as I take pencil to paper

try and express the touch of clouds

but can’t explain how I even

configure this mayhem

this one-sided sorrow of mine

giving in to this bending sky

a lack of glory

i do admit

i always was cynical

if luck was under my spell

and well, it’s not

nothing is

I had three things to remember that day

One was eyes open – look around, observe

Second was work out if this was a game or an alternative – reach out, try to peel pack my vision like it’s a curtain

The third was to decide – committed, is this something I want over with or not?

I was strung out from little to no sleep; summertime, too much energy

like the rays of the sun entered me and powered me up like electricity

or a power up in a game

and no matter how much I scurried around trying to use it up

I couldn’t

But then I also had thick grey smog cloud thoughts of death hanging over me like

a cloud

wherever

I went

Which also wouldn’t shift no matter how much I ran, walked or tried to

trick

or

decieve

the cloud

and

the rays

So at this point as the train comes in I don’t even know if

my reality is real

if this is a game

who the character is

Until one day I felt more, different

medication in me, course correction

information collation

piece by piece

But there seems to be always be

a part of me

a little part

but a tiny little shard of me

still stood on the platform, wondering

does one step ending everything

end it?

it’s sighs of orange cold horizon drop

still

it’s the ticking of one clock after than other, all competing for my melancholic self absorbed looping thoughts

it’s the neon vivid oh so real dream I had last night

had a journey through time (tick tock)

you were you but also you weren’t

like some kind of spaghetti brain mishmash construction

i was me but speeding through hyper real time, liquid molten highway

faster and faster with no urge or ability to slow down or shout to you to keep up

then I was festering behind the same brick walls and windows that keep me contained and confused

the tick tock was louder, I could feel it coursing through me

felt it in my speech and my breath

how distant you now where in space and time and distorted fading memories

i woke up in a strange daze, yeah kinda confused

wondered if I am constrained by time or if time is just a cellar door flung open by stale winds

Black-blue, so murky I couldn’t even tell you

of the colours on top and within

let alone

way way

way

way

down at the bottom

I do know I can’t judge the depth

so it worries me that I’m

thinking of down down

quick splash tumble over

bubbles out

air gone

Find some stillness at the bottom

Age old sediment, dust, rubbish

that died a lifetime ago

feels like it’s been here throughout time

just waiting for little old me to find it

to bask in it

to bathe in the melancholy and pointlessness of it all

hidden away

Fathoms below, centuries below

I can’t see the surface

not even the sun-hit shard reflection like a fucked up broken mirror

I can’t hear above

vague muffle, could be industrial, a tangent, an ending

coming through the water like an arc

the boat (ship?) above me

fast faster now like the beating of my heart

like my pulse in my blood is to my heartbeat in this water

And all I can really think about is

what was the point of this all

dash dash dash

Flow to horizon, green

Coursing through every vein every artery every atom of my being

Sun on windscreen flash of wisdom of knowing

Hypnotic shard of light of courage of clarity with crystal glow

Entire world I see in one rhythm and connected

pulse, pulse, pulse

ebb, flow, flow, flown

Cars like blood cells

embryonic thoughts break out of amber

First thoughts taking shape and breath like a confused newborn

nurture, nurture, nature

Gravity, growth, growing

winter lack of leaves pulses of green

concrete morse code embedded instructions

I can read them feel them but cannot articulate them

one hill two hills an omen

Change lanes change life click of indicator tick tock tick

Move forward to the river

move forward to the sun

move forward can not stop

pulse beat violet heart silver in my blood copper in my vision

green verge sidewind overtake discover

With every single aimless unconscious breath moving forward like Voyager on an infinite mission

Ground control I can’t hear you

Ground control I’m transmitting on a new frequency

ground control you’ve gone pixellated unsteady Gaussian blur

ground control?

now the stars ..the gap between stars I can touch, feel, detect through older hands, maybe some wisdom

in the pilot seat with 100s of controls, displays stuck in amber blocks and my vision is failing

ground control?

Set distance to starfinity

Set speed to brain warp

Ground. Control

just a tiny dustspeck miniscule of history locked in time

still alive, kinda, if you squint

Ground control I think we have a problem

I think I’m slowing now

candyfloss thick and transient

Think transition to skyline horizon

Red rear lights as far as I can see

I’m going to ground

going to air to space to time to heart to soul stop and whisper

whisper of time of history of jet black eyes of open window cold smoke

whisper a memory of drink and smoke and theory of love push back hair from eyes peeping out

whisper gently a memory so far gone it’s moulded plastic into a parody figure

ground control you’re transmitting so slowly so infrequently I may as well be on me own in white sage smoke

A wall

a big, rolling, moving, gonna-get-you wall

of noise

of noise of every person

and their thoughts

and their emotions

and their judgement

bundling towards me like a juggernaut

enveloping me with every single frequency

sometimes words jump out of the chaos, sometimes just becomes one

glass fragment of conversation, a word here and there and then just

chaos, cacophony

Symphony of my nightmares

I wonder what it’s like

imagine not feeling the wall of noise

not being taken over in mind, body and spirit by it

I try to remember that somewhere in the chaos

somewhere embedded into the noise

somewhere there’s sense.