Littoral

I look down

feet, slow, falter, then fast

start: view of concrete, pavement, grey

streetlight reflection

brief reflection of my, in movement, in stillframe

cut to earth, barefoot, scorched, tired

pan out,

sand, beach perhaps

at sunrise

we stayed up just for this

panoramic photo, took twice just in case

footsteps

holding on to each other

sun rises, time to go

time to move on, age

I tried zooming out to space, so far out in the universe

that I could see us, a moment or two in time

Grey sky behind me but smiling

How did I end up so far away

Two gems linked together in an embrace

just a sketch

just an idealistic view of future

romance gone wrong

Then zoom back in and

where are you

where am I

I’m looking down at footsteps now but they

are

so

heavy

drawnout

lethargic

walking away from sunrise+sunset like

Is this it?

Is this

all

there

is

“The bottom dropped out of my world” you said

I nodded, it had

dropped out

of

mine too

In my whirlwind endeavour I tried to

understand

be absorbed by it

“I’m so proud of you” you said

I nodded but

but

I thought of all the reasons why you shouldn’t

yes but

yes but

I wish I had said

I am so proud of you

was so proud

still am so proud

I wish I had said

how lucky I was to be with you nearly all the way

and how guilty I felt for not holding you at the end

even though

even though

I know you probably didn’t want me there

And all that fog, that sharp grip of cold as I ran up to you

it wasn’t mine

nor yours

I know I have to stop wishing

wishing I’d said

wishing I’d done

wishing I’d held

wishing I’d asked

A wish won’t change

it won’t bring you back

And I can catch myself

stood on the shore

looking out to sea

all that infinity

I wish I could bend time, distort it

zoom out so much, so many lightyears out

that I would see you alive still

happy

healthy

But I’d be so so far away

millions of lightyears

just an observer

late in the universe

So I have to just remind myself

you were

you had happiness

I don’t need to wish for that to happen

And now, older, I feel so far away

from you, from who I was

and I wonder if you’re observing me from afar

pinprick star, glimmer of chrome in the sky

Enveloping me, sky wrapping round me in black, blue, glimmer

saying

it will be alright

I’m proud of you

I was proud of you

I’m proud of who you have become

Then I look at your photo

and, even though it’s a lifetime away

it reminds me

(as I need it sometimes)

you had tons of happiness

you had climbs, summits

you too looked at the sky, the clouds

and I wonder as the earth spins

if I’m in the same space you once were

And I wonder when I open books you once touched

if your DNA is on it

I opened a book once, receipt from an airport shop you bought it from

suddenly time folds in and for that moment I’m there with you

transient

And then I think

we’re all transient

this moment is transient

and yet

just yet

maybe

just maybe

love isn’t

pride isn’t

legacy isn’t.

One millimetre

One mile

One million depths to sink into, clamber down, be

absorbed by

Up above – normality, walking, shoe taps on concrete

murmured busy voices torched by the sun beat

Here I sink further further

past the grass

past the mud

past the fouundations

past the tunnels

no murmurs now

no muffled talking of days and nights and plans and who knows what

Silence now.

Deadening silence.

And dark.

Looking for something in the shadows, but there are no shadows

no echoes

no heartbeat sounds

no embers

And if I miss the surface

can I zoom back

hyper speed

guided by sound, noise, bustle, grey community

by starlight by hope by shimmer

by glimmers of future, echoes of past

Can I

can I reclaim light, soul, purpose

or does the fall of night nullify everything I stand for

does it punish the dream of one million shades and hues

Looking out my childhood window

or at least a fragmented fake version of it my mind has rebuilt from memories

I’m inclined to see grass lawn, raindrops on window

urge to be alone, safe, control

I don’t even know if these are memories now

maybe they’re just a concatenation of films, music, poems, memories, optinions

So I’m up here again, breathing this warm dry air

opening boxes that just catapult me, rabbit holing

thinking about what you thought, felt, dreamed about, aspired to be

wishing I’d asked you all that whilst I still had time

all the things now I see with the lens of being older, a parent

I’d give anything just to converse with you

connect with you in a different way

but the truth is I can’t

and as much as I stare from windows, open boxes of letters

flick through photo albums

touch the things you touch

go where you went

I can’t change it.

It might be that choking grey dust where I see you running around

point to point

without any point

and all I can do is look down at you

Standing here tapping my feet

waiting for time, waiting for

what?

I just need to hear that welcome whine of the next train

pulling in

with its promises of

adventure

space

excitement

I need its promise to carry me

carry me

away

away

Picking up speed, faster and faster

not going home

not going away

somewhere inbetween

somewhere no-one can touch me

En-route

delayed

When I look down at the sea [ocean?]

I’m not just seeing the countless monetarily-gleaming diamonds on the water

No

I’m seeing below them, around them, the space in-between

that’s where the mysteries start and end

not with the diamonds themselves

no

It’s under the waves, the ebbs and flows, the dark and light

it’s the depths, some shallow, some murky and hard to fathom their fathoms

it’s in the past, steps of all our ancestors

relic ghost ships collapsing in the night, wooden bow breaking, snapping

it’s the sea retreating, revealing it’s sandy expanse, sand dollars, seaweed,

imagined treasure of a child on a summer morning

The world could be always and timely and timeless

And out there in the sea, in that ever-changing water

oh… I couldn’t explain, says the sailor, fisherman, person of the water and night

the sights and sounds, the mysteries hovering above the sails

ebbs that don’t make sense

black-silver-blue waves from nowhere, rattle-your-bones abyss

So yeah there are diamonds

but I see in-between them.

In those gaps, those voids, empty treasure memories in shells deep under

I see those ghosts of before, another life, lives before mine, lives that will be but I don’t know yet

and yeah I see treasures but I also see wrecks, bones, broken dreams,

explorations that ended nowhere but heartbreak and misery

I see treasures found, brought back, held high over heads, champions

triumphant from beating the gloom still-at-night.

With one more tick and tock

[the last one moving glacier-slow from one number to the next – analogue indicating some years ago]

It’s time to board the bus

sunny day

[think hazy, falling asleep from gentle motion]

drive to this place my mind has created

I don’t know who’s there or what I’ll be doing

and everyone gets off at other stops

[all their own]

Some kind of after-life

[in amber]

So here’s the tock following the tick

my time to disembark

warm air, breeze, some plants

gates

There’s this bleak beauty and serenity to the sea sometimes

It’s total eternity and when the waves

break

break

Cutting into the noise and rhythm and all the bullshit

like a knife through the played-out nonsense

And you know when I

look to the

horizon

I can see inifinity

you, me

you and me

And this timeless profile in crystalline

Imagining

the seven seas

though I can’t name them

Suddenly I’m bouyant

filled and energized with the the bouncing shards of reflected sun on the crests of the waves

Suddenly I have this feeling that

everything might

just

be

ok?

But then the sky changes

ghastly grey

scary slate

bleak blue

and I look down from the cliff

and those waves?

now they are the monster

ripping and sliding and beckoning

they want me

come down

come to me

they want to take me

to that grey eternal endless melancholy

even though I know it’s inferior

even though I don’t trust

the monster

Sometimes there’s this thought

that I’m in agreement

That I might just be better off in the sudden solace of it all

that if I got swallowed up, and swelled

to the point of horizon where the sea meets the sky meets the night

I might just float

not sink.

There’s a itch that, no matter how much I scratch it

Or try distracting myself

It’s there like omnipresent-won’t go away-just-you-try

And no matter how many steps (quick footstep watch the ground)

It won’t

won’t

A splinter I can’t find so I start digging away at my skin/flesh

It’s there I swear it is

I can feel it, experience it, it absorbs me

But I can’t

see

it

So it’s back to

step, foot, foot, step [footstep]

over and over, just to distract

just so something else in my head is there

otherwise I’d just feel

the tick-tick of inveitability

of this stupid pain

sensation

overwhelem

And you know it’s so frustrating

because if I could just find it, see it, touch it, locate it

I’d rip it out and discard it

throw it a million billion infinite miles away into the sky

into space

where it would shatter, disperse into the void

never to

be

seen

again.

It’s simply something I can see out of the corner of my eye

You know, when you think you’re seeing it but you turn around and – voila, it’s not..

And then I turn back and it’s there

Compelling me to notice it

Opaque, tugging for my attention

Look at me, look at me, look at me

But I can’t because it’s not actually there

It’s almost dormant

But when I try to switch of

It’s look at me look at me worry about me worry please worry

It’s entirely fallible logic locked away in a huge piece of amber