Awakenings

by

Imagine a tunnel. Black. No lights

There’s something in there. Hopefully good.

You can hear

whispers

And occasionally your eyes see something but

it’s

so

fleeting

Flick a torch on

high power

full beam

lumen illimunate

You see now

all its glory

colour

depth

texture

craft

Torch fades

darkness

What was

that beauty

that thought

that reassurance

Where is it

where

was it

Torch on

bright, burning fucking brilliant bright light

there it is

marvel

I waited a lifetime for this

it all makes

sense

now

Torch off

and I’m crying now

invisible tears

blank/black streaming down my face because

where has it gone

where is my light

where is my perfect understanding of everything in this tunnel

that I built

dreamed of

idolised

craved

lusted for

Pop one more tablet

torch back on

temporary

hold on, wanna grasp that beauty

wanna right it down, bottle it

wanna say to you this is everything I ever wanted

But I can’t because

it

burned out.

Mono(lith)

by

theres a ripping growing tear in the sky

i could peel it further apart if I wanted to

Expose dark and

the simple inevitably the shore brings me

we sit here knowing even

in sunshine

sky azure calm airplane in distance

happier time

wonder where it’s going

somewhere distant maybe

focus back to us

smile to passerby

we are fine

everything is fine but

Separation

parting

Movie freeze frames silver

static , zoom in to pixels

become

mandelbrots

incandescent another life

time folds into scope

rays

laid in field

honey

honey?

walking through summer early dawn

rope swaying from tree

blanket swarm

where was I?

back sat on bench with you

eyes uneasily meeting

so I guess this is it?

Footsteps

by

I look down

feet, slow, falter, then fast

start: view of concrete, pavement, grey

streetlight reflection

brief reflection of my, in movement, in stillframe

cut to earth, barefoot, scorched, tired

pan out,

sand, beach perhaps

at sunrise

we stayed up just for this

panoramic photo, took twice just in case

footsteps

holding on to each other

sun rises, time to go

time to move on, age

I tried zooming out to space, so far out in the universe

that I could see us, a moment or two in time

Grey sky behind me but smiling

How did I end up so far away

Two gems linked together in an embrace

just a sketch

just an idealistic view of future

romance gone wrong

Then zoom back in and

where are you

where am I

I’m looking down at footsteps now but they

are

so

heavy

drawnout

lethargic

walking away from sunrise+sunset like

Is this it?

Is this

all

there

is

sometimes

by

when I look at the sky

jaded by grey clouds

The hazards my mind brings

peeling apart joy and hope like persistent stickers on glass

and I catch myself

looking up up up

trying to grab the clouds like

the cotton wool of my dreams

grasping and yelling but ultimately

Holding nothing

and opening my hand to find it was

just

an

Illusion

a trick pulled by dark conjurer

stuff of nightmares, some long

forgotten

luminal space in my soul

and as I take pencil to paper

try and express the touch of clouds

but can’t explain how I even

configure this mayhem

this one-sided sorrow of mine

giving in to this bending sky

a lack of glory

i do admit

i always was cynical

if luck was under my spell

and well, it’s not

nothing is

Wipers [Fogged]

by

There isn’t much to say

I can hear you breathe

and me

hell, I can hear my own heartbeat

and if there was a pin to

drop

I’m sure that would sound like

1,000 roaring lions bearing down on me

cascade of all the waterfalls of our

tremendous gap between lines

of glacier breaking in distance

creak/crack

with an ominous velocity that means I can hardly

breathe

But as it stands

stands

There’s all to play for

Silver chrome reflection of orange

ticking indicator

backslash of wipers

Pause

Look once right

once left

Hold a moment in time for me will you?

Can you just stay still so I can

breathe this in

commit to memory

carve it into every bit and atom of my soul

So I may enter the memory at will

sometimes with grace

sometimes with tears

sometimes with misplaced naïve hope

Blocks

by

There are two ways of spinning

One down

one up

One dark

one bright

Both messed up

Both full throttle

one dark

one light

both crash

Mirror view

back of head

stranger

steel ellipse

caution

caution

pavement coming at me at terminal

terminal

velocity

parsing errors and regrets

more

less

terminal

Staring down the barrel at [nothing]

by

If you were expecting some

triumph of colour, of decision

of the end of indecision

If you were expecting to see

guiding light

a sign not to

If you were expecting to feel

release

a sense of soon to be finality

You may be surprised I didn’t

I did find

dark shapes

shifting, swirl in the void deep trench deep miles down

I did find

Unspoken unseen enemies

could sense them moving deep in the water

felt the slight movement and temperature change

Saw but not saw them over the mountain

steps light then heavy

muffling my attempt to run

until I’m slower slower slow in treacle so slow

now I’m stuck

was that what they wanted?

All The Thoughts You Never Had

by

“The bottom dropped out of my world” you said

I nodded, it had

dropped out

of

mine too

In my whirlwind endeavour I tried to

understand

be absorbed by it

“I’m so proud of you” you said

I nodded but

but

I thought of all the reasons why you shouldn’t

yes but

yes but

I wish I had said

I am so proud of you

was so proud

still am so proud

I wish I had said

how lucky I was to be with you nearly all the way

and how guilty I felt for not holding you at the end

even though

even though

I know you probably didn’t want me there

And all that fog, that sharp grip of cold as I ran up to you

it wasn’t mine

nor yours

I know I have to stop wishing

wishing I’d said

wishing I’d done

wishing I’d held

wishing I’d asked

A wish won’t change

it won’t bring you back

And I can catch myself

stood on the shore

looking out to sea

all that infinity

I wish I could bend time, distort it

zoom out so much, so many lightyears out

that I would see you alive still

happy

healthy

But I’d be so so far away

millions of lightyears

just an observer

late in the universe

So I have to just remind myself

you were

you had happiness

I don’t need to wish for that to happen

And now, older, I feel so far away

from you, from who I was

and I wonder if you’re observing me from afar

pinprick star, glimmer of chrome in the sky

Enveloping me, sky wrapping round me in black, blue, glimmer

saying

it will be alright

I’m proud of you

I was proud of you

I’m proud of who you have become

Then I look at your photo

and, even though it’s a lifetime away

it reminds me

(as I need it sometimes)

you had tons of happiness

you had climbs, summits

you too looked at the sky, the clouds

and I wonder as the earth spins

if I’m in the same space you once were

And I wonder when I open books you once touched

if your DNA is on it

I opened a book once, receipt from an airport shop you bought it from

suddenly time folds in and for that moment I’m there with you

transient

And then I think

we’re all transient

this moment is transient

and yet

just yet

maybe

just maybe

love isn’t

pride isn’t

legacy isn’t.

Stopped By Wind [Blocked]

by

An ever-so-slow chiselling away of motivation, energy

Cut to movie scene, a hand being held on to as long as possible

gradual slip away

then flashback

And I’m leaning hard into this gravel wind

coarse and mixed-grey all against me

I’m pushing with everything

like Superman pushing a car off a person

and that wind stays firm, hard to my touch

And I’m looking ahead, well, trying to

over the valley, seemingly hundreds of miles away (can’t touch)

it’s green ground, blue sky, yellow sun

picture postcard

Cut to a scene of summer day

billowing cloud

smiles, happy, calm

Anyway back to the wind and on it pushes

through my eyes into my soul

at one with it

no longer even a fight

nothing to punch with

I am the wind

I am the force

I am breaking myself

Crack [Crevice]

by

One millimetre

One mile

One million depths to sink into, clamber down, be

absorbed by

Up above – normality, walking, shoe taps on concrete

murmured busy voices torched by the sun beat

Here I sink further further

past the grass

past the mud

past the fouundations

past the tunnels

no murmurs now

no muffled talking of days and nights and plans and who knows what

Silence now.

Deadening silence.

And dark.

Looking for something in the shadows, but there are no shadows

no echoes

no heartbeat sounds

no embers

And if I miss the surface

can I zoom back

hyper speed

guided by sound, noise, bustle, grey community

by starlight by hope by shimmer

by glimmers of future, echoes of past

Can I

can I reclaim light, soul, purpose

or does the fall of night nullify everything I stand for

does it punish the dream of one million shades and hues