Staring down the barrel at [nothing]

by

If you were expecting some

triumph of colour, of decision

of the end of indecision

If you were expecting to see

guiding light

a sign not to

If you were expecting to feel

release

a sense of soon to be finality

You may be surprised I didn’t

I did find

dark shapes

shifting, swirl in the void deep trench deep miles down

I did find

Unspoken unseen enemies

could sense them moving deep in the water

felt the slight movement and temperature change

Saw but not saw them over the mountain

steps light then heavy

muffling my attempt to run

until I’m slower slower slow in treacle so slow

now I’m stuck

was that what they wanted?

All The Thoughts You Never Had

by

“The bottom dropped out of my world” you said

I nodded, it had

dropped out

of

mine too

In my whirlwind endeavour I tried to

understand

be absorbed by it

“I’m so proud of you” you said

I nodded but

but

I thought of all the reasons why you shouldn’t

yes but

yes but

I wish I had said

I am so proud of you

was so proud

still am so proud

I wish I had said

how lucky I was to be with you nearly all the way

and how guilty I felt for not holding you at the end

even though

even though

I know you probably didn’t want me there

And all that fog, that sharp grip of cold as I ran up to you

it wasn’t mine

nor yours

I know I have to stop wishing

wishing I’d said

wishing I’d done

wishing I’d held

wishing I’d asked

A wish won’t change

it won’t bring you back

And I can catch myself

stood on the shore

looking out to sea

all that infinity

I wish I could bend time, distort it

zoom out so much, so many lightyears out

that I would see you alive still

happy

healthy

But I’d be so so far away

millions of lightyears

just an observer

late in the universe

So I have to just remind myself

you were

you had happiness

I don’t need to wish for that to happen

And now, older, I feel so far away

from you, from who I was

and I wonder if you’re observing me from afar

pinprick star, glimmer of chrome in the sky

Enveloping me, sky wrapping round me in black, blue, glimmer

saying

it will be alright

I’m proud of you

I was proud of you

I’m proud of who you have become

Then I look at your photo

and, even though it’s a lifetime away

it reminds me

(as I need it sometimes)

you had tons of happiness

you had climbs, summits

you too looked at the sky, the clouds

and I wonder as the earth spins

if I’m in the same space you once were

And I wonder when I open books you once touched

if your DNA is on it

I opened a book once, receipt from an airport shop you bought it from

suddenly time folds in and for that moment I’m there with you

transient

And then I think

we’re all transient

this moment is transient

and yet

just yet

maybe

just maybe

love isn’t

pride isn’t

legacy isn’t.

Stopped By Wind [Blocked]

by

An ever-so-slow chiselling away of motivation, energy

Cut to movie scene, a hand being held on to as long as possible

gradual slip away

then flashback

And I’m leaning hard into this gravel wind

coarse and mixed-grey all against me

I’m pushing with everything

like Superman pushing a car off a person

and that wind stays firm, hard to my touch

And I’m looking ahead, well, trying to

over the valley, seemingly hundreds of miles away (can’t touch)

it’s green ground, blue sky, yellow sun

picture postcard

Cut to a scene of summer day

billowing cloud

smiles, happy, calm

Anyway back to the wind and on it pushes

through my eyes into my soul

at one with it

no longer even a fight

nothing to punch with

I am the wind

I am the force

I am breaking myself

Crack [Crevice]

by

One millimetre

One mile

One million depths to sink into, clamber down, be

absorbed by

Up above – normality, walking, shoe taps on concrete

murmured busy voices torched by the sun beat

Here I sink further further

past the grass

past the mud

past the fouundations

past the tunnels

no murmurs now

no muffled talking of days and nights and plans and who knows what

Silence now.

Deadening silence.

And dark.

Looking for something in the shadows, but there are no shadows

no echoes

no heartbeat sounds

no embers

And if I miss the surface

can I zoom back

hyper speed

guided by sound, noise, bustle, grey community

by starlight by hope by shimmer

by glimmers of future, echoes of past

Can I

can I reclaim light, soul, purpose

or does the fall of night nullify everything I stand for

does it punish the dream of one million shades and hues

Gather

by

Red light with a longer than normal, tense change to green

In the rainspots on the window I can see an expression

or maybe I sense it

tarmac concrete unease

Spidering left-right

street diamonds, low-glow, shadow falls

I blink, a hundred-year micro-second

in the time my eyes were shut a million butterflies flew

an earthquake

conspiracy

magic imprinted reflection of your steel

a million butterflies land

Feel the beating of their wings in the left/right/left/right swoosh of the wipers

catastrophically surrounding with sound, peace yet venom

utter confusion

utter split-moment-stand-still-as-you-can

Lo (ss) Siento

by

It’s with more than a small sense of regret and loss

More than a thrown away apology can manifest

Slowly yet succinctly a fade from bright to pale

From sun to dusk

And with time seeming to

tick tick

tock tock

faster and faster

And more fades than ebbs

I wonder, how do I make peace

how do I make good from bad

make joy from pain

make bright from dark

And yet here I am

staring up into blue sky

yummy white soft cloud, super whispery

feel like I can run my fingers through them

feel their smoothness and purity

feel like a moment in time that me alone feels

Yet it’s not my cloud

not my sky

not my air

I’m merely a passenger

an observer

I feel the sky, the sun, the light, the universe

I know it, I understand it

yet I can not articulate it to myself or you

I just know it

And so I look over at you, playing, in the moment

zero doubts

full sunshine & sky

and I’m kinda jealous

and I’m feeling kinda bad

that I’m outside looking in

And yet – and yet sometimes

I’d want to invite you in, so you see what I see and feel what I feel

but only for the good

not the bad

not the melancholy

not the enveloping rush of looping thoughts, of crisis, of the meaning of life

no, not that

for the gratitude, for the light, for the meaning

I could show you how a sunrise is everything

how the gentle whisper of a breeze feeds my soul and bones

How sometimes in a gentle still moment

I truly understand

But I can’t

so I just sit here watching the sky, inhale, exhale

so aware of the clock

of the days

of not knowing how long I have

or you have

and knowing and pleading that I never want it to end

(even though sometimes my mind says otherwise)

Moot Point

by

Looking out my childhood window

or at least a fragmented fake version of it my mind has rebuilt from memories

I’m inclined to see grass lawn, raindrops on window

urge to be alone, safe, control

I don’t even know if these are memories now

maybe they’re just a concatenation of films, music, poems, memories, optinions

So I’m up here again, breathing this warm dry air

opening boxes that just catapult me, rabbit holing

thinking about what you thought, felt, dreamed about, aspired to be

wishing I’d asked you all that whilst I still had time

all the things now I see with the lens of being older, a parent

I’d give anything just to converse with you

connect with you in a different way

but the truth is I can’t

and as much as I stare from windows, open boxes of letters

flick through photo albums

touch the things you touch

go where you went

I can’t change it.

Name The Chaos

by

There’s no butterfly or beating of wings

No wings in fact

Just a cycle of thoughts, worries, overimagined problems and catastrophes

A wondering of parallel infinite worlds where I’m a crystal clear sphere

smooth surface nothing adhering

Rather than this rusted brain chaos calamity mind that’s broke(n)

I tried ramming my fist through the thoughts

but they sprang out in instant reaction

and my hit landed nowhere but air and nothing and heartache

There could be an infinite ways my brain wiring could be

Some happy, some insane

right now just looped, one wire into another into another into another

Huge ball of knotted wire, different colours and end points

but I can’t work out what does what and what goes where

Stipulation [Unwound]

by

I had three things to remember that day

One was eyes open – look around, observe

Second was work out if this was a game or an alternative – reach out, try to peel pack my vision like it’s a curtain

The third was to decide – committed, is this something I want over with or not?

I was strung out from little to no sleep; summertime, too much energy

like the rays of the sun entered me and powered me up like electricity

or a power up in a game

and no matter how much I scurried around trying to use it up

I couldn’t

But then I also had thick grey smog cloud thoughts of death hanging over me like

a cloud

wherever

I went

Which also wouldn’t shift no matter how much I ran, walked or tried to

trick

or

decieve

the cloud

and

the rays

So at this point as the train comes in I don’t even know if

my reality is real

if this is a game

who the character is

Until one day I felt more, different

medication in me, course correction

information collation

piece by piece

But there seems to be always be

a part of me

a little part

but a tiny little shard of me

still stood on the platform, wondering

does one step ending everything

end it?

Consortium

by

I gathered by the whispered shadows

the ones that quickly disappeared somewhere among us but nowhere

that the flittering chemicals of thought between brain cells

the ones that diminish often and nourish less so

I gathered by the glances, eyes fleeting, dashing, darting

so quick it felt I was the only one in the world who could detect them

despite my mind never slowing down near enough

But I did

I saw the look, double take, some with fear some with humour some with a detached kindness

So with this I had to do more more more

really it seemed at the time that

if I could do more harm to myself, make it visible

I’d be a champion

But you don’t see me, they didn’t see me

I’m sat in a grass field at dark and I’m invisible

dusk came and went

and whatever I did, however much I willed you to look at me and ask me

I couldn’t

oh I tried

made up mind games, focussed everything on transferring this thought that says

help, I don’t know what the fuck is going on

the one that said

I have everything but feel like I have nothing

the one that said

I know I shouldn’t feel this way

this empty chasm feeling

this constant feeling of guilt, sometimes warranted, often not

that I know I have chances and luck and fortune

but all I feel now is confusion and self-doubt and self-hate

That this tool, this way of turning my skin into ribbons feels like all I have

that and numbing myself

and when I stay up late when all the world is asleep

I mean I know it’s not, but it feels like it

feels like I’m the only living being on earth awake, feeling, grabbing at this intensity and trying to push it away

away

away

away

Thinking, how do I cope with this? The monster who flies in through the dark, through the wind

sometimes expected, sometimes not

never a welcome guest

never

But he loves the ribbons

loves the sigh I give signaling defeat

promises never again

promises, I know I’m better

but deep down I don’t believe that

So I’m at listening to the rain, and every single drop, every crystal clear drop of water combines together to make this

white noise shadow

that’s tuning everything out just for now

I will you, keep raining, keep fucking raining

I need this noise to envelope my head, let it spread through my brain, nullifying noise and feelings

please just for a few minutes

I don’t mind thunder

you can bring me lightning

but please I need this noise right now

I can not take these inevitable loops and swoops and patterns forever

I know the monster looks at me, feeds from my will ebbing away into the night

feeding frenzy on fear, on emptiness, on my defeat

And that’s why they’re here looking

why I can’t explain it

or I can and it seems too good, to smooth reflected polished

makes too much sense

or I shut down and I’m just null

not even zero

or negative

just null