Seroxat [An Anti-Love Story]

by

There’s a certain crushing realisation that at 5am you’ve not slept all night and you are now

nocturnal

Because now as well as being an outside you are outside of the

rhythms and grace and mysteries and magnificence

that life supposedly brings

But there is no grace here, no shining diamond

just a dull, null fall from grace

a pointless watching of the sky

looking for an effigy of all that was

and wondering, why, why does this feel numb

why is all I have to sleep

or to stay awake tormented by the lulls and flows of others

You said stop

you said it will be OK

all will be OK

you’ll be fine

And yet I remember with the clarity of a failing summer

sinking into bed with the conviction I only wanted death

falling deeper into black storm cloud

wanted to end

just end

Realising with painful irony this was not safe

that spams, jolts, the wish to die

isn’t a solution or a destination

just a failed cursed journey

a ship pushed out to sea based on guesswork

turning away, another problem out of mind for now

It’s a shame.

The Gamification Of Loss [Lost]

by

There’s a curse that, although unwritten

Holds me accountable and over tight and over bearing

Claims victory of any defeat or

downward motion

Shouts with joy in the face of

decline

spiralling

Roars with smug pride at

bad ebbs

poor flows

Laughs with tears of arrogance at

my despair

my hatred

my self-loathing

It’s unwritten yet we speak of it frequently

enemy vs enemy

foe vs foe

back and forth in this

cyclical hell I have created

The eternal question, cycling round

is this it? forever?

How I was blessed with the over-arching self-awareness

and deep thinking and pondering

yet this amplifies the pain x 10

amplifies the doubt

the self-loathing

Chalking it up to experience

time and time again

over and over

hands circling a clock, the inevitable reset midnight brings

a page into page into chapter

but the book never ends.

Remain [In Silver]

by

If I was to raise hell

in all its reverse wisdom

in its cracking pages of books long disccarded

maybe I would discover

treasure chests torn from the sea clutched greedily with industrial claws

gratitude of descendent and heritage in piercing sunshine blades in the sky

If I was to look away

turn right around, owl-rotate wise head

maybe I would be

caught by the blinding brightness of reality

reality with all the blades and confusion and knotted string

removed at once

in one fell swoop snip

If I was to adore in another life seen from millions of light-years away

would I just see the cartoon simplicity of happiness

swells of praise and confidence proudly betraying the sea in waves

And

If I was to reverse my negative beliefs

Flip them like a light-switch or upright to a hand-stand

would I see myself scared, head at window retreating

or perhaps the knowing smile of shimmer light just found

And

If you were to see me for me

whatever me is

whether that’s crashing waves on rocks in the night, unseen but oh-so-loud

or sun-on-sea like diamond glimmers

What would you think

What would I think

But maybe just for now

I keep watching the sun

Eyes open, letting the light fill my head with all the crazy ideas

wants

needs

shoulds

coulds

couldn’ts

didn’t

and just dream.

Awakenings

by

Imagine a tunnel. Black. No lights

There’s something in there. Hopefully good.

You can hear

whispers

And occasionally your eyes see something but

it’s

so

fleeting

Flick a torch on

high power

full beam

lumen illimunate

You see now

all its glory

colour

depth

texture

craft

Torch fades

darkness

What was

that beauty

that thought

that reassurance

Where is it

where

was it

Torch on

bright, burning fucking brilliant bright light

there it is

marvel

I waited a lifetime for this

it all makes

sense

now

Torch off

and I’m crying now

invisible tears

blank/black streaming down my face because

where has it gone

where is my light

where is my perfect understanding of everything in this tunnel

that I built

dreamed of

idolised

craved

lusted for

Pop one more tablet

torch back on

temporary

hold on, wanna grasp that beauty

wanna right it down, bottle it

wanna say to you this is everything I ever wanted

But I can’t because

it

burned out.

Mono(lith)

by

theres a ripping growing tear in the sky

i could peel it further apart if I wanted to

Expose dark and

the simple inevitably the shore brings me

we sit here knowing even

in sunshine

sky azure calm airplane in distance

happier time

wonder where it’s going

somewhere distant maybe

focus back to us

smile to passerby

we are fine

everything is fine but

Separation

parting

Movie freeze frames silver

static , zoom in to pixels

become

mandelbrots

incandescent another life

time folds into scope

rays

laid in field

honey

honey?

walking through summer early dawn

rope swaying from tree

blanket swarm

where was I?

back sat on bench with you

eyes uneasily meeting

so I guess this is it?

Footsteps

by

I look down

feet, slow, falter, then fast

start: view of concrete, pavement, grey

streetlight reflection

brief reflection of my, in movement, in stillframe

cut to earth, barefoot, scorched, tired

pan out,

sand, beach perhaps

at sunrise

we stayed up just for this

panoramic photo, took twice just in case

footsteps

holding on to each other

sun rises, time to go

time to move on, age

I tried zooming out to space, so far out in the universe

that I could see us, a moment or two in time

Grey sky behind me but smiling

How did I end up so far away

Two gems linked together in an embrace

just a sketch

just an idealistic view of future

romance gone wrong

Then zoom back in and

where are you

where am I

I’m looking down at footsteps now but they

are

so

heavy

drawnout

lethargic

walking away from sunrise+sunset like

Is this it?

Is this

all

there

is

sometimes

by

when I look at the sky

jaded by grey clouds

The hazards my mind brings

peeling apart joy and hope like persistent stickers on glass

and I catch myself

looking up up up

trying to grab the clouds like

the cotton wool of my dreams

grasping and yelling but ultimately

Holding nothing

and opening my hand to find it was

just

an

Illusion

a trick pulled by dark conjurer

stuff of nightmares, some long

forgotten

luminal space in my soul

and as I take pencil to paper

try and express the touch of clouds

but can’t explain how I even

configure this mayhem

this one-sided sorrow of mine

giving in to this bending sky

a lack of glory

i do admit

i always was cynical

if luck was under my spell

and well, it’s not

nothing is

Wipers [Fogged]

by

There isn’t much to say

I can hear you breathe

and me

hell, I can hear my own heartbeat

and if there was a pin to

drop

I’m sure that would sound like

1,000 roaring lions bearing down on me

cascade of all the waterfalls of our

tremendous gap between lines

of glacier breaking in distance

creak/crack

with an ominous velocity that means I can hardly

breathe

But as it stands

stands

There’s all to play for

Silver chrome reflection of orange

ticking indicator

backslash of wipers

Pause

Look once right

once left

Hold a moment in time for me will you?

Can you just stay still so I can

breathe this in

commit to memory

carve it into every bit and atom of my soul

So I may enter the memory at will

sometimes with grace

sometimes with tears

sometimes with misplaced naïve hope

Blocks

by

There are two ways of spinning

One down

one up

One dark

one bright

Both messed up

Both full throttle

one dark

one light

both crash

Mirror view

back of head

stranger

steel ellipse

caution

caution

pavement coming at me at terminal

terminal

velocity

parsing errors and regrets

more

less

terminal

Staring down the barrel at [nothing]

by

If you were expecting some

triumph of colour, of decision

of the end of indecision

If you were expecting to see

guiding light

a sign not to

If you were expecting to feel

release

a sense of soon to be finality

You may be surprised I didn’t

I did find

dark shapes

shifting, swirl in the void deep trench deep miles down

I did find

Unspoken unseen enemies

could sense them moving deep in the water

felt the slight movement and temperature change

Saw but not saw them over the mountain

steps light then heavy

muffling my attempt to run

until I’m slower slower slow in treacle so slow

now I’m stuck

was that what they wanted?