There’s a certain crushing realisation that at 5am you’ve not slept all night and you are now
nocturnal
Because now as well as being an outside you are outside of the
rhythms and grace and mysteries and magnificence
that life supposedly brings
But there is no grace here, no shining diamond
just a dull, null fall from grace
a pointless watching of the sky
looking for an effigy of all that was
and wondering, why, why does this feel numb
why is all I have to sleep
or to stay awake tormented by the lulls and flows of others
You said stop
you said it will be OK
all will be OK
you’ll be fine
And yet I remember with the clarity of a failing summer
sinking into bed with the conviction I only wanted death
falling deeper into black storm cloud
wanted to end
just end
Realising with painful irony this was not safe
that spams, jolts, the wish to die
isn’t a solution or a destination
just a failed cursed journey
a ship pushed out to sea based on guesswork
turning away, another problem out of mind for now
It’s a shame.