Speck

There’s a certain crushing realisation that at 5am you’ve not slept all night and you are now

nocturnal

Because now as well as being an outside you are outside of the

rhythms and grace and mysteries and magnificence

that life supposedly brings

But there is no grace here, no shining diamond

just a dull, null fall from grace

a pointless watching of the sky

looking for an effigy of all that was

and wondering, why, why does this feel numb

why is all I have to sleep

or to stay awake tormented by the lulls and flows of others

You said stop

you said it will be OK

all will be OK

you’ll be fine

And yet I remember with the clarity of a failing summer

sinking into bed with the conviction I only wanted death

falling deeper into black storm cloud

wanted to end

just end

Realising with painful irony this was not safe

that spams, jolts, the wish to die

isn’t a solution or a destination

just a failed cursed journey

a ship pushed out to sea based on guesswork

turning away, another problem out of mind for now

It’s a shame.

If I was to raise hell

in all its reverse wisdom

in its cracking pages of books long disccarded

maybe I would discover

treasure chests torn from the sea clutched greedily with industrial claws

gratitude of descendent and heritage in piercing sunshine blades in the sky

If I was to look away

turn right around, owl-rotate wise head

maybe I would be

caught by the blinding brightness of reality

reality with all the blades and confusion and knotted string

removed at once

in one fell swoop snip

If I was to adore in another life seen from millions of light-years away

would I just see the cartoon simplicity of happiness

swells of praise and confidence proudly betraying the sea in waves

And

If I was to reverse my negative beliefs

Flip them like a light-switch or upright to a hand-stand

would I see myself scared, head at window retreating

or perhaps the knowing smile of shimmer light just found

And

If you were to see me for me

whatever me is

whether that’s crashing waves on rocks in the night, unseen but oh-so-loud

or sun-on-sea like diamond glimmers

What would you think

What would I think

But maybe just for now

I keep watching the sun

Eyes open, letting the light fill my head with all the crazy ideas

wants

needs

shoulds

coulds

couldn’ts

didn’t

and just dream.

Imagine a tunnel. Black. No lights

There’s something in there. Hopefully good.

You can hear

whispers

And occasionally your eyes see something but

it’s

so

fleeting

Flick a torch on

high power

full beam

lumen illimunate

You see now

all its glory

colour

depth

texture

craft

Torch fades

darkness

What was

that beauty

that thought

that reassurance

Where is it

where

was it

Torch on

bright, burning fucking brilliant bright light

there it is

marvel

I waited a lifetime for this

it all makes

sense

now

Torch off

and I’m crying now

invisible tears

blank/black streaming down my face because

where has it gone

where is my light

where is my perfect understanding of everything in this tunnel

that I built

dreamed of

idolised

craved

lusted for

Pop one more tablet

torch back on

temporary

hold on, wanna grasp that beauty

wanna right it down, bottle it

wanna say to you this is everything I ever wanted

But I can’t because

it

burned out.

There isn’t much to say

I can hear you breathe

and me

hell, I can hear my own heartbeat

and if there was a pin to

drop

I’m sure that would sound like

1,000 roaring lions bearing down on me

cascade of all the waterfalls of our

tremendous gap between lines

of glacier breaking in distance

creak/crack

with an ominous velocity that means I can hardly

breathe

But as it stands

stands

There’s all to play for

Silver chrome reflection of orange

ticking indicator

backslash of wipers

Pause

Look once right

once left

Hold a moment in time for me will you?

Can you just stay still so I can

breathe this in

commit to memory

carve it into every bit and atom of my soul

So I may enter the memory at will

sometimes with grace

sometimes with tears

sometimes with misplaced naïve hope

There are two ways of spinning

One down

one up

One dark

one bright

Both messed up

Both full throttle

one dark

one light

both crash

Mirror view

back of head

stranger

steel ellipse

caution

caution

pavement coming at me at terminal

terminal

velocity

parsing errors and regrets

more

less

terminal

Red light with a longer than normal, tense change to green

In the rainspots on the window I can see an expression

or maybe I sense it

tarmac concrete unease

Spidering left-right

street diamonds, low-glow, shadow falls

I blink, a hundred-year micro-second

in the time my eyes were shut a million butterflies flew

an earthquake

conspiracy

magic imprinted reflection of your steel

a million butterflies land

Feel the beating of their wings in the left/right/left/right swoosh of the wipers

catastrophically surrounding with sound, peace yet venom

utter confusion

utter split-moment-stand-still-as-you-can

There’s no butterfly or beating of wings

No wings in fact

Just a cycle of thoughts, worries, overimagined problems and catastrophes

A wondering of parallel infinite worlds where I’m a crystal clear sphere

smooth surface nothing adhering

Rather than this rusted brain chaos calamity mind that’s broke(n)

I tried ramming my fist through the thoughts

but they sprang out in instant reaction

and my hit landed nowhere but air and nothing and heartache

There could be an infinite ways my brain wiring could be

Some happy, some insane

right now just looped, one wire into another into another into another

Huge ball of knotted wire, different colours and end points

but I can’t work out what does what and what goes where

I gathered by the whispered shadows

the ones that quickly disappeared somewhere among us but nowhere

that the flittering chemicals of thought between brain cells

the ones that diminish often and nourish less so

I gathered by the glances, eyes fleeting, dashing, darting

so quick it felt I was the only one in the world who could detect them

despite my mind never slowing down near enough

But I did

I saw the look, double take, some with fear some with humour some with a detached kindness

So with this I had to do more more more

really it seemed at the time that

if I could do more harm to myself, make it visible

I’d be a champion

But you don’t see me, they didn’t see me

I’m sat in a grass field at dark and I’m invisible

dusk came and went

and whatever I did, however much I willed you to look at me and ask me

I couldn’t

oh I tried

made up mind games, focussed everything on transferring this thought that says

help, I don’t know what the fuck is going on

the one that said

I have everything but feel like I have nothing

the one that said

I know I shouldn’t feel this way

this empty chasm feeling

this constant feeling of guilt, sometimes warranted, often not

that I know I have chances and luck and fortune

but all I feel now is confusion and self-doubt and self-hate

That this tool, this way of turning my skin into ribbons feels like all I have

that and numbing myself

and when I stay up late when all the world is asleep

I mean I know it’s not, but it feels like it

feels like I’m the only living being on earth awake, feeling, grabbing at this intensity and trying to push it away

away

away

away

Thinking, how do I cope with this? The monster who flies in through the dark, through the wind

sometimes expected, sometimes not

never a welcome guest

never

But he loves the ribbons

loves the sigh I give signaling defeat

promises never again

promises, I know I’m better

but deep down I don’t believe that

So I’m at listening to the rain, and every single drop, every crystal clear drop of water combines together to make this

white noise shadow

that’s tuning everything out just for now

I will you, keep raining, keep fucking raining

I need this noise to envelope my head, let it spread through my brain, nullifying noise and feelings

please just for a few minutes

I don’t mind thunder

you can bring me lightning

but please I need this noise right now

I can not take these inevitable loops and swoops and patterns forever

I know the monster looks at me, feeds from my will ebbing away into the night

feeding frenzy on fear, on emptiness, on my defeat

And that’s why they’re here looking

why I can’t explain it

or I can and it seems too good, to smooth reflected polished

makes too much sense

or I shut down and I’m just null

not even zero

or negative

just null

An inevitable ending

it’s winter

I remember how the ice looked, so so still

Felt like the moment was ours, stood still with the entire world

somewhere else

Had that naïve energy and hope of youth

making specks of time into infinite horizons

You on a pedestal so so high

me just churning trying to bring two gems together

into

one

Photos stuck into the frame of a mirror

curling from the sun

fading ever so slowly

I took them down

had to

But this only made me see me easier

which I didn’t want

I didn’t want to sit still, alone with my breath + hopes + fears

Wanted to fast-track rewind, skip the ads

relive that moment

relive that hope

relive that energy

In sea-blue limited floor dredged thoughts

Out of season, harbour, fog to sky

Silhouette of a stranger, poised with gentle dignity

Wind into cliff, into face, into soul

Arms held high, against the insane hugeness of the sky

Voice scattered in the wind, words fluttering around, rushing, confused

One step, two steps, three, no more

more

Ocean crash, life as a car crash, swell, waves, forget

Endless moment of decision, of shadow with no form or memory

Just a drastic foggy brain, holding on to something, anything

waiting for the waves to come in, to subside

but knowing as well

I love the storm

the storm loves me

that black swirling vortex void I can feel in every cell

rushing through my brain, no, through my soul

Standing on the cliff, edge closer, nearer, further

time still yet noisy

subside.