Speck

As I approach the sand in darkness,

in blue-black murky darkness, with the strongest of strong winds coursing through my body,

my head, my brain, my soul, my heart,

and as I look up to the horizon one more time: the horizon that combines sea into sky and sky into sea,

and the wind blows the sand, whipping my skin, whipping my eyes.

Although the horizon looks bleak it looks attractive.

Although the water is cold and black, I know it could swallow me.

I know it would subdue all of my thoughts and worries and doubts and I know the sky would take me.

It would absorb me. I would become one with it and yet I would cease.

I would cease to be.

I am

waiting in the wings unable to fly shadow

the rock oddly positioned and made permanent by the winds of time

the hasty over-zealous outpouring of emotion and tenderness

the wasted void of yesteryear

the ghost of your room, cold and barren

the waiting of time to reverse

the watcher of clouds and sky and sun

the beating heart of the breeze through my blood

the fossilised wreck of a brain folding in

the whisper of hope in the breeze

the collapse of control

And yet I am

a hope carried in seed

flourish of light on barren abandoned tarmac.

In my dream we held hands under stars so bright I wanted to

scream with pleasure and ecstasy and

marvel at the brightness and the purity pumping around my veins and into my heart

It was wild, we were wide awake at night –

think of pure air, stars blinking down at us as if

approving of the impermanence of our love

I felt the magic of slight breeze on my skin

air running through my bones

I felt the slight warmth of your hand on mine

letters long since posted

now frayed and yellowed through the haunt of time

And as I turned to the sky

yours eyes and mine

felt the soundless roar of movement and speed and grace

and momentum

And then I saw it

Bright yet pale and terrifying

signalling the end

And I looked at you

for one last time

a glance that felt it lasted hours

and we took one last breath.

There’s a tiny tiny little grey speck I’m trying to hold on to and grasp and nurture

And yet however tightly I try and hold it, it slips away into water, into a stream, into nothing

Whilst my instinct is to reach out to try and grab it to hold on to it, just let go

And in that water in front of me, in that great depth, in that great mystery, all I see is the vastness of nothing and melancholy

And whilst you see beauty in blinking water and diamonds and wash and swell and awe

I just see nothing, an eternal nothing and an eternal void

And the irony is when I try to dive in when I’m about to release then the last fibre and speck of my being is about to let go. I cannot

And so I just stare down at those rocks, at those shards that are waiting inevitably to take me

A part of me is proud I am not part of it

And part of me resents that I am not shattered, that I have not become part of that ocean, that I have not become part of that grey dark swell

And yet here I am and as I look up not to the sun but another grey storm cloud above me

I look up yet again at the billowing vast grey, dark, black smoke that engulfs me, every breath and every part of my being.

In a darkly poetic way, in a corner I once believed

That all was true was bright, gold, pure

And oddly the comfort that gave me

Gave way into flights of fancy

Ridiculed origin of a flurry of thoughts

Thoughts of spirals

depth

ever climbing higher higher.

There’s a certain crushing realisation that at 5am you’ve not slept all night and you are now

nocturnal

Because now as well as being an outside you are outside of the

rhythms and grace and mysteries and magnificence

that life supposedly brings

But there is no grace here, no shining diamond

just a dull, null fall from grace

a pointless watching of the sky

looking for an effigy of all that was

and wondering, why, why does this feel numb

why is all I have to sleep

or to stay awake tormented by the lulls and flows of others

You said stop

you said it will be OK

all will be OK

you’ll be fine

And yet I remember with the clarity of a failing summer

sinking into bed with the conviction I only wanted death

falling deeper into black storm cloud

wanted to end

just end

Realising with painful irony this was not safe

that spams, jolts, the wish to die

isn’t a solution or a destination

just a failed cursed journey

a ship pushed out to sea based on guesswork

turning away, another problem out of mind for now

It’s a shame.

If I was to raise hell

in all its reverse wisdom

in its cracking pages of books long disccarded

maybe I would discover

treasure chests torn from the sea clutched greedily with industrial claws

gratitude of descendent and heritage in piercing sunshine blades in the sky

If I was to look away

turn right around, owl-rotate wise head

maybe I would be

caught by the blinding brightness of reality

reality with all the blades and confusion and knotted string

removed at once

in one fell swoop snip

If I was to adore in another life seen from millions of light-years away

would I just see the cartoon simplicity of happiness

swells of praise and confidence proudly betraying the sea in waves

And

If I was to reverse my negative beliefs

Flip them like a light-switch or upright to a hand-stand

would I see myself scared, head at window retreating

or perhaps the knowing smile of shimmer light just found

And

If you were to see me for me

whatever me is

whether that’s crashing waves on rocks in the night, unseen but oh-so-loud

or sun-on-sea like diamond glimmers

What would you think

What would I think

But maybe just for now

I keep watching the sun

Eyes open, letting the light fill my head with all the crazy ideas

wants

needs

shoulds

coulds

couldn’ts

didn’t

and just dream.

Imagine a tunnel. Black. No lights

There’s something in there. Hopefully good.

You can hear

whispers

And occasionally your eyes see something but

it’s

so

fleeting

Flick a torch on

high power

full beam

lumen illimunate

You see now

all its glory

colour

depth

texture

craft

Torch fades

darkness

What was

that beauty

that thought

that reassurance

Where is it

where

was it

Torch on

bright, burning fucking brilliant bright light

there it is

marvel

I waited a lifetime for this

it all makes

sense

now

Torch off

and I’m crying now

invisible tears

blank/black streaming down my face because

where has it gone

where is my light

where is my perfect understanding of everything in this tunnel

that I built

dreamed of

idolised

craved

lusted for

Pop one more tablet

torch back on

temporary

hold on, wanna grasp that beauty

wanna right it down, bottle it

wanna say to you this is everything I ever wanted

But I can’t because

it

burned out.

There isn’t much to say

I can hear you breathe

and me

hell, I can hear my own heartbeat

and if there was a pin to

drop

I’m sure that would sound like

1,000 roaring lions bearing down on me

cascade of all the waterfalls of our

tremendous gap between lines

of glacier breaking in distance

creak/crack

with an ominous velocity that means I can hardly

breathe

But as it stands

stands

There’s all to play for

Silver chrome reflection of orange

ticking indicator

backslash of wipers

Pause

Look once right

once left

Hold a moment in time for me will you?

Can you just stay still so I can

breathe this in

commit to memory

carve it into every bit and atom of my soul

So I may enter the memory at will

sometimes with grace

sometimes with tears

sometimes with misplaced naïve hope

There are two ways of spinning

One down

one up

One dark

one bright

Both messed up

Both full throttle

one dark

one light

both crash

Mirror view

back of head

stranger

steel ellipse

caution

caution

pavement coming at me at terminal

terminal

velocity

parsing errors and regrets

more

less

terminal