There’s a tiny tiny little grey speck I’m trying to hold on to and grasp and nurture
And yet however tightly I try and hold it, it slips away into water, into a stream, into nothing
Whilst my instinct is to reach out to try and grab it to hold on to it, just let go
And in that water in front of me, in that great depth, in that great mystery, all I see is the vastness of nothing and melancholy
And whilst you see beauty in blinking water and diamonds and wash and swell and awe
I just see nothing, an eternal nothing and an eternal void
And the irony is when I try to dive in when I’m about to release then the last fibre and speck of my being is about to let go. I cannot
And so I just stare down at those rocks, at those shards that are waiting inevitably to take me
A part of me is proud I am not part of it
And part of me resents that I am not shattered, that I have not become part of that ocean, that I have not become part of that grey dark swell
And yet here I am and as I look up not to the sun but another grey storm cloud above me
I look up yet again at the billowing vast grey, dark, black smoke that engulfs me, every breath and every part of my being.