Consortium

I gathered by the whispered shadows

the ones that quickly disappeared somewhere among us but nowhere

that the flittering chemicals of thought between brain cells

the ones that diminish often and nourish less so

I gathered by the glances, eyes fleeting, dashing, darting

so quick it felt I was the only one in the world who could detect them

despite my mind never slowing down near enough

But I did

I saw the look, double take, some with fear some with humour some with a detached kindness

So with this I had to do more more more

really it seemed at the time that

if I could do more harm to myself, make it visible

I’d be a champion

But you don’t see me, they didn’t see me

I’m sat in a grass field at dark and I’m invisible

dusk came and went

and whatever I did, however much I willed you to look at me and ask me

I couldn’t

oh I tried

made up mind games, focussed everything on transferring this thought that says

help, I don’t know what the fuck is going on

the one that said

I have everything but feel like I have nothing

the one that said

I know I shouldn’t feel this way

this empty chasm feeling

this constant feeling of guilt, sometimes warranted, often not

that I know I have chances and luck and fortune

but all I feel now is confusion and self-doubt and self-hate

That this tool, this way of turning my skin into ribbons feels like all I have

that and numbing myself

and when I stay up late when all the world is asleep

I mean I know it’s not, but it feels like it

feels like I’m the only living being on earth awake, feeling, grabbing at this intensity and trying to push it away

away

away

away

Thinking, how do I cope with this? The monster who flies in through the dark, through the wind

sometimes expected, sometimes not

never a welcome guest

never

But he loves the ribbons

loves the sigh I give signaling defeat

promises never again

promises, I know I’m better

but deep down I don’t believe that

So I’m at listening to the rain, and every single drop, every crystal clear drop of water combines together to make this

white noise shadow

that’s tuning everything out just for now

I will you, keep raining, keep fucking raining

I need this noise to envelope my head, let it spread through my brain, nullifying noise and feelings

please just for a few minutes

I don’t mind thunder

you can bring me lightning

but please I need this noise right now

I can not take these inevitable loops and swoops and patterns forever

I know the monster looks at me, feeds from my will ebbing away into the night

feeding frenzy on fear, on emptiness, on my defeat

And that’s why they’re here looking

why I can’t explain it

or I can and it seems too good, to smooth reflected polished

makes too much sense

or I shut down and I’m just null

not even zero

or negative

just null