Three Blind Eyes

by

Once upon a time in a split second a long time ago

Actually a fragment of a split second, so fast my mind couldn’t open the lens

This breeze went through me, through my bones & soul, I actually felt for a [split] moment the realness of that decision

It whistled through me and I swear time stopped so still just long enough – just just long enough I could breathe

It was pure [but I can’t explain], it was so powerful yet didn’t diminish

It wasn’t amber, no, more like that white light they say you see at [moment of] death, but alive, so alive

I felt every cell in my body [and mind] [and soul] light up like the biggest Christmas tree you could imagine [you couldn’t]

For just that moment which was a tiny speck in the universe’s time, which actually felt like I’d dropped out into another lifetime and spent eternity there then returned

I was the wind + sun + sky

I was the air through the tree

I was the vibration of the sound of wings beating, ice melting, clouds moving

I was the gap between the seconds on the clock

So still yet moving, static yet everywhere

+ it occurred to me

My eyes were wide wide open, looking at an entire valley of my being

where yesterdays+tomorrows+this today merged into sand, rocks

sea

Where one heartbeat of my billion erupted into clarity and polished chrome awarness

Oh it was glorious

I sat there feeling it, watching the sky, never intrepid

If only I could put it into words or bottle it up you’d see

you’d see.

Under [ground] under[sight]

by

Slowly giving in to the inevitable spiral up

Spiral down

That familiar dizziness working its way through my bones

It doesn’t really offer salvation but it threatens to

I saw something new today, when I looked zoomed-into-right-into-my-eye close

On the ground – kind of like gold or some kind of treasure

Maybe treasure I buried a long [very] long time ago

Or maybe it’s just a root. Maybe I’m digging & digging & digging

In utter futility, getting blunter and blunter until I realise there’s no payload to be had

I looked forward to going home one day. Just me in solitude – safe I guess you could say

Moving a toy plane around and around my room, resenting the freedom it had

Building another world within world to escape into, thinking maybe I could find some way to teleport into [but not out of] it

Considering if time travel could be real + where and when I’d go if so

A slow but frantic toing and froing, push/pull, pull/push, up/down, down/up. It’s inevitable I see

….you in sunlight, you were looking up slightly – I don’t think it was wavering, more like

…a temporary solace I could frame into one embrace, feet on grass, peak of summer, peak of high

….more and more quick decisions, ink into arm, letter after letter after letter

…..I often wonder when [where] what [if] could [really] if escape was real, frankly

was anything real [is]

I’m looking up at another plane but it’s one you’re on and it’s way way way out of reach and now

now I can just see contrails , white on blue [blue on white]

I can’t breathe I can only watch as it dissipates

That solace was only ever temporary, crystal-white delusional pump of adrenaline hope wishing.

Can we pause

by

Let me stop you [there] because right now I can’t focus on outside, on that fragmented rain that beats down [me down]

Helter skelter rushing pounding me into submission

I need a minute an hour a day. Who knows – maybe more [much more]

There’s no letup from the frantic fanatic fantastic thoughts plowing the land of my brain into famine

If I put a hand out to steady myself it might just pause and become static
& wilt
& stop

If I reach out to catch this feeling it might be heavy [too heavy], I think I might break
I’m worried if I bring this scene into focus like some bizarre director’s cut it will be real

Round & round the garden [like a, a what?]
Up, down, all around, shaken with the sound

Perhaps the next day normal service will resume & the sun’s rays will split me open until all the amber disintegrates

Perhaps I’ll be delayed a day or two. Leaves on the track; train stuck at the station

If I’m honest with you and let you peer inside at my mind like it’s a dolls’ house you might see odd shapes, colours, sounds. Bizarre sights like a sideshow

What would you think? Do you zoom in, macro focus, high-res?

From here it’s pixelated, fuzzy, kaleidoscope that’s gone wrong, left out in the rain too long [silly billy]

Put my hand over the end of it to cover up the light – perhaps what’s left is a couple of leaking shards of artificial sun trying to keep me awake [+ from drowning]

Is this a scene of control [of farce?] [of an ending?]

Sorry, time to go [we march on]

Gift

by

I’m going way way down flying straight into a crack

Far far far down and maybe I’ll peek out at the world [or maybe I won’t]

Fight or flight and I seem to choose flight every time

I’m a ball that won’t bounce

A plane with no propellor

So I think it’s easier for you and I if I put my hands over my ears and close my eyes

Firmly

I think it may be easier if I wrap my arms around myself

Tightly

And wait for this to pass

And who knows, maybe when I look up

The storm will have passed.

Spiral

by

Every time I run-run-run away

There’s a swell of grey, choppy, violent

Over the hills but not far [away]

I have an abstract notion of control of the fear

Certain actions pause proceedings

It’s dark down here

It’s quiet in this cave

I can hear you high above [muffled]

There is no concept of duration

There is no thought of raise

No thought

I spy the monster over the hill

Breath in the air

You don’t scare me [you do]

You don’t control me [you do]

You don’t own me [you do]

I don’t scare you [I do]

I don’t control you [I do]

I don’t own you [I do]

Criss-cross pitter-patter

Mud sludge grey shift

Empty space

Void space

Spiral [down]

Abject

by

Mist [missed]

lack of rhythm [missed]

cobalt, pyrite

Three layers of dreams

antagnoized

wake [up]

Two layer of life

sleep [daze]

Opening, closing, locked

key [jam]

one layer of end[ing]