It’s with more than a small sense of regret and loss
More than a thrown away apology can manifest
Slowly yet succinctly a fade from bright to pale
From sun to dusk
And with time seeming to
tick tick
tock tock
faster and faster
And more fades than ebbs
I wonder, how do I make peace
how do I make good from bad
make joy from pain
make bright from dark
And yet here I am
staring up into blue sky
yummy white soft cloud, super whispery
feel like I can run my fingers through them
feel their smoothness and purity
feel like a moment in time that me alone feels
Yet it’s not my cloud
not my sky
not my air
I’m merely a passenger
an observer
I feel the sky, the sun, the light, the universe
I know it, I understand it
yet I can not articulate it to myself or you
I just know it
And so I look over at you, playing, in the moment
zero doubts
full sunshine & sky
and I’m kinda jealous
and I’m feeling kinda bad
that I’m outside looking in
And yet – and yet sometimes
I’d want to invite you in, so you see what I see and feel what I feel
but only for the good
not the bad
not the melancholy
not the enveloping rush of looping thoughts, of crisis, of the meaning of life
no, not that
for the gratitude, for the light, for the meaning
I could show you how a sunrise is everything
how the gentle whisper of a breeze feeds my soul and bones
How sometimes in a gentle still moment
I truly understand
But I can’t
so I just sit here watching the sky, inhale, exhale
so aware of the clock
of the days
of not knowing how long I have
or you have
and knowing and pleading that I never want it to end
(even though sometimes my mind says otherwise)