Speck

I gathered by the whispered shadows

the ones that quickly disappeared somewhere among us but nowhere

that the flittering chemicals of thought between brain cells

the ones that diminish often and nourish less so

I gathered by the glances, eyes fleeting, dashing, darting

so quick it felt I was the only one in the world who could detect them

despite my mind never slowing down near enough

But I did

I saw the look, double take, some with fear some with humour some with a detached kindness

So with this I had to do more more more

really it seemed at the time that

if I could do more harm to myself, make it visible

I’d be a champion

But you don’t see me, they didn’t see me

I’m sat in a grass field at dark and I’m invisible

dusk came and went

and whatever I did, however much I willed you to look at me and ask me

I couldn’t

oh I tried

made up mind games, focussed everything on transferring this thought that says

help, I don’t know what the fuck is going on

the one that said

I have everything but feel like I have nothing

the one that said

I know I shouldn’t feel this way

this empty chasm feeling

this constant feeling of guilt, sometimes warranted, often not

that I know I have chances and luck and fortune

but all I feel now is confusion and self-doubt and self-hate

That this tool, this way of turning my skin into ribbons feels like all I have

that and numbing myself

and when I stay up late when all the world is asleep

I mean I know it’s not, but it feels like it

feels like I’m the only living being on earth awake, feeling, grabbing at this intensity and trying to push it away

away

away

away

Thinking, how do I cope with this? The monster who flies in through the dark, through the wind

sometimes expected, sometimes not

never a welcome guest

never

But he loves the ribbons

loves the sigh I give signaling defeat

promises never again

promises, I know I’m better

but deep down I don’t believe that

So I’m at listening to the rain, and every single drop, every crystal clear drop of water combines together to make this

white noise shadow

that’s tuning everything out just for now

I will you, keep raining, keep fucking raining

I need this noise to envelope my head, let it spread through my brain, nullifying noise and feelings

please just for a few minutes

I don’t mind thunder

you can bring me lightning

but please I need this noise right now

I can not take these inevitable loops and swoops and patterns forever

I know the monster looks at me, feeds from my will ebbing away into the night

feeding frenzy on fear, on emptiness, on my defeat

And that’s why they’re here looking

why I can’t explain it

or I can and it seems too good, to smooth reflected polished

makes too much sense

or I shut down and I’m just null

not even zero

or negative

just null

An inevitable ending

it’s winter

I remember how the ice looked, so so still

Felt like the moment was ours, stood still with the entire world

somewhere else

Had that naïve energy and hope of youth

making specks of time into infinite horizons

You on a pedestal so so high

me just churning trying to bring two gems together

into

one

Photos stuck into the frame of a mirror

curling from the sun

fading ever so slowly

I took them down

had to

But this only made me see me easier

which I didn’t want

I didn’t want to sit still, alone with my breath + hopes + fears

Wanted to fast-track rewind, skip the ads

relive that moment

relive that hope

relive that energy

In sea-blue limited floor dredged thoughts

Out of season, harbour, fog to sky

Silhouette of a stranger, poised with gentle dignity

Wind into cliff, into face, into soul

Arms held high, against the insane hugeness of the sky

Voice scattered in the wind, words fluttering around, rushing, confused

One step, two steps, three, no more

more

Ocean crash, life as a car crash, swell, waves, forget

Endless moment of decision, of shadow with no form or memory

Just a drastic foggy brain, holding on to something, anything

waiting for the waves to come in, to subside

but knowing as well

I love the storm

the storm loves me

that black swirling vortex void I can feel in every cell

rushing through my brain, no, through my soul

Standing on the cliff, edge closer, nearer, further

time still yet noisy

subside.

Looking back, head pulled back to many years ago

Zooming out, Voyager with no golden record

Fragment of a postcard winding its way through time and space

Caught in the wind of years, regrets and questions

(what if, what if not?)

Grappling with this desire to look into the black deep void of the past

behind me (or in front?)

I just see these stars which blink, wink, candles from the past teasing and taunting

it’s there

it’s here

it’s gone

Was I?

Were you?

Cut to a scene – blue sky behind me, big smile

Seaside, summer

You smiling, pushing lock of hair back out of the way

forever

then I feel the tug of the tide, water, enveloping me with doubt and worry

Like

I’m sorry, I’m sorry for being

I went back there at night once

Very still, deep inky dark blue fading into black

wasn’t sure what was sea or sky to be honest

Felt like the ebbs and flows of that dark mass of water were driven by my breathing

in, out

ebb, flow

lonely

then another time, daytime

wind whipping sand into me, face and eyes

honestly felt like it was laughing

lonely

I was just an observer to

the smiles, laughs, connections of people around me

I couldn’t help but think

what if

what if

But by then it was too late. I’ve turned around and those stars are so far behind me I’m not sure

not sure if I ever looked up at them, if this is just a memory, a mirage, a hallucination

I feel it breaking away from me

past cutting off like continental plates breaking

and I just see this void, this sea, this ocean, it’s deeper and deeper

and the distance between this and the past is greater and greater

And just like Voyager I’m faster, faster, I can not slow down, can’t go back

I just see these little glimmers of memories behind me

but they’re so far away, so distant

they just blink

and

now

they’re

gone.

Imagining the insanity of a billow-cloud eternity

Over some uncertain undefined finality and ending

Years of a life summed up in a pop-up book pages

Peekaboo

Open/close, one page to one year

Or like a bleak puppet show in a tired amusement from many years ago

Playing the part of a character, dusty with age and wear

going through the inevitable rituals and motions then put back

The sense of an air and time I recall but never experienced

Spines of books upon books upon books

every word, page, chapter worn and pressed from age

There was joy there once, words that came to life from the page

I was spellbound by the colour, the vividness and opportunities they bought

impressed by the almost infinite time in them

yeah I could be absorbed, transport myself into them through some unspoken vortex

become someone else somewhere else some other time some other universe

some kinda parallel – I’m gone but only next door

I’m not here but don’t worry, I can just step through this vortex portal again

and be with you in a flash, in a shout, a blink-you’ll-miss-it moment

and be with you

But these games don’t work, they’re slowly fading, degrading, rusting

and these books, well

they just seem like redundant blocks of paper standing still like Easter Island stones

looking wistfully and mockingly at me, sighing through years of history, some mine, some not

And it’s

like

if

I

knew

which

page

to

start

with

Maybe I’d be eyes open, kaleidoscope colours, spinning round the room laughing

camera looks at me, summer orange light shards through dust

smile now smile now smile

spin spin spin as I stare into the lens

played back years later click-click-clack of tape

wondering how seconds minutes hours became foggy dusty days weeks

months

years

decades

Trying to break down the code of every decision as it branched out into my life

building up these useless diagrams

mental blueprints of a life

mental

blue

Stepping off for what feels like the 100th time into a sudden vacuum of noise and odour and

hard to explain but almost angry

There are seemingly thousands of routes and subroutes and fork-split-decisions-make-memories

And I overthink each and every one of them

So it

slows

down

so much that I

lose time

lose

lose

lose

And I’m well aware that I’m gaslighting myself

as no, I can’t control time or space at will

No matter how hard I try to pry back the inevitable like a weakened bar in a cell

worn down by effort, frustration and anger from years and year

I can’t

it won’t budge

That ever-present permanence, in-yer-face you can’t change it

So I just

stop

A super dramatic set of bright headlights in the rain on black tarmac

A furtive look through the window at this concept of another life which keeps turning its head away

It won’t look back just forward at only one possibility

In the sea of infinite trillions there are

I can barely see it; it’s not like some super clear crystal ball, no

More like the fleeting reflection on one single little raindrop

Almost nothing, almost meaningless

Just that familiar ‘what if’ before it dissipates

And then another drop, yet more

Repeat to fade

Once upon a time in a split second a long time ago

Actually a fragment of a split second, so fast my mind couldn’t open the lens

This breeze went through me, through my bones & soul, I actually felt for a [split] moment the realness of that decision

It whistled through me and I swear time stopped so still just long enough – just just long enough I could breathe

It was pure [but I can’t explain], it was so powerful yet didn’t diminish

It wasn’t amber, no, more like that white light they say you see at [moment of] death, but alive, so alive

I felt every cell in my body [and mind] [and soul] light up like the biggest Christmas tree you could imagine [you couldn’t]

For just that moment which was a tiny speck in the universe’s time, which actually felt like I’d dropped out into another lifetime and spent eternity there then returned

I was the wind + sun + sky

I was the air through the tree

I was the vibration of the sound of wings beating, ice melting, clouds moving

I was the gap between the seconds on the clock

So still yet moving, static yet everywhere

+ it occurred to me

My eyes were wide wide open, looking at an entire valley of my being

where yesterdays+tomorrows+this today merged into sand, rocks

sea

Where one heartbeat of my billion erupted into clarity and polished chrome awarness

Oh it was glorious

I sat there feeling it, watching the sky, never intrepid

If only I could put it into words or bottle it up you’d see

you’d see.

I’m going way way down flying straight into a crack

Far far far down and maybe I’ll peek out at the world [or maybe I won’t]

Fight or flight and I seem to choose flight every time

I’m a ball that won’t bounce

A plane with no propellor

So I think it’s easier for you and I if I put my hands over my ears and close my eyes

Firmly

I think it may be easier if I wrap my arms around myself

Tightly

And wait for this to pass

And who knows, maybe when I look up

The storm will have passed.