Littoral

One millimetre

One mile

One million depths to sink into, clamber down, be

absorbed by

Up above – normality, walking, shoe taps on concrete

murmured busy voices torched by the sun beat

Here I sink further further

past the grass

past the mud

past the fouundations

past the tunnels

no murmurs now

no muffled talking of days and nights and plans and who knows what

Silence now.

Deadening silence.

And dark.

Looking for something in the shadows, but there are no shadows

no echoes

no heartbeat sounds

no embers

And if I miss the surface

can I zoom back

hyper speed

guided by sound, noise, bustle, grey community

by starlight by hope by shimmer

by glimmers of future, echoes of past

Can I

can I reclaim light, soul, purpose

or does the fall of night nullify everything I stand for

does it punish the dream of one million shades and hues

Looking out my childhood window

or at least a fragmented fake version of it my mind has rebuilt from memories

I’m inclined to see grass lawn, raindrops on window

urge to be alone, safe, control

I don’t even know if these are memories now

maybe they’re just a concatenation of films, music, poems, memories, optinions

So I’m up here again, breathing this warm dry air

opening boxes that just catapult me, rabbit holing

thinking about what you thought, felt, dreamed about, aspired to be

wishing I’d asked you all that whilst I still had time

all the things now I see with the lens of being older, a parent

I’d give anything just to converse with you

connect with you in a different way

but the truth is I can’t

and as much as I stare from windows, open boxes of letters

flick through photo albums

touch the things you touch

go where you went

I can’t change it.

It might be that choking grey dust where I see you running around

point to point

without any point

and all I can do is look down at you

Standing here tapping my feet

waiting for time, waiting for

what?

I just need to hear that welcome whine of the next train

pulling in

with its promises of

adventure

space

excitement

I need its promise to carry me

carry me

away

away

Picking up speed, faster and faster

not going home

not going away

somewhere inbetween

somewhere no-one can touch me

En-route

delayed

When I look down at the sea [ocean?]

I’m not just seeing the countless monetarily-gleaming diamonds on the water

No

I’m seeing below them, around them, the space in-between

that’s where the mysteries start and end

not with the diamonds themselves

no

It’s under the waves, the ebbs and flows, the dark and light

it’s the depths, some shallow, some murky and hard to fathom their fathoms

it’s in the past, steps of all our ancestors

relic ghost ships collapsing in the night, wooden bow breaking, snapping

it’s the sea retreating, revealing it’s sandy expanse, sand dollars, seaweed,

imagined treasure of a child on a summer morning

The world could be always and timely and timeless

And out there in the sea, in that ever-changing water

oh… I couldn’t explain, says the sailor, fisherman, person of the water and night

the sights and sounds, the mysteries hovering above the sails

ebbs that don’t make sense

black-silver-blue waves from nowhere, rattle-your-bones abyss

So yeah there are diamonds

but I see in-between them.

In those gaps, those voids, empty treasure memories in shells deep under

I see those ghosts of before, another life, lives before mine, lives that will be but I don’t know yet

and yeah I see treasures but I also see wrecks, bones, broken dreams,

explorations that ended nowhere but heartbreak and misery

I see treasures found, brought back, held high over heads, champions

triumphant from beating the gloom still-at-night.

With one more tick and tock

[the last one moving glacier-slow from one number to the next – analogue indicating some years ago]

It’s time to board the bus

sunny day

[think hazy, falling asleep from gentle motion]

drive to this place my mind has created

I don’t know who’s there or what I’ll be doing

and everyone gets off at other stops

[all their own]

Some kind of after-life

[in amber]

So here’s the tock following the tick

my time to disembark

warm air, breeze, some plants

gates

There’s this bleak beauty and serenity to the sea sometimes

It’s total eternity and when the waves

break

break

Cutting into the noise and rhythm and all the bullshit

like a knife through the played-out nonsense

And you know when I

look to the

horizon

I can see inifinity

you, me

you and me

And this timeless profile in crystalline

Imagining

the seven seas

though I can’t name them

Suddenly I’m bouyant

filled and energized with the the bouncing shards of reflected sun on the crests of the waves

Suddenly I have this feeling that

everything might

just

be

ok?

But then the sky changes

ghastly grey

scary slate

bleak blue

and I look down from the cliff

and those waves?

now they are the monster

ripping and sliding and beckoning

they want me

come down

come to me

they want to take me

to that grey eternal endless melancholy

even though I know it’s inferior

even though I don’t trust

the monster

Sometimes there’s this thought

that I’m in agreement

That I might just be better off in the sudden solace of it all

that if I got swallowed up, and swelled

to the point of horizon where the sea meets the sky meets the night

I might just float

not sink.

There’s a itch that, no matter how much I scratch it

Or try distracting myself

It’s there like omnipresent-won’t go away-just-you-try

And no matter how many steps (quick footstep watch the ground)

It won’t

won’t

A splinter I can’t find so I start digging away at my skin/flesh

It’s there I swear it is

I can feel it, experience it, it absorbs me

But I can’t

see

it

So it’s back to

step, foot, foot, step [footstep]

over and over, just to distract

just so something else in my head is there

otherwise I’d just feel

the tick-tick of inveitability

of this stupid pain

sensation

overwhelem

And you know it’s so frustrating

because if I could just find it, see it, touch it, locate it

I’d rip it out and discard it

throw it a million billion infinite miles away into the sky

into space

where it would shatter, disperse into the void

never to

be

seen

again.

It’s simply something I can see out of the corner of my eye

You know, when you think you’re seeing it but you turn around and – voila, it’s not..

And then I turn back and it’s there

Compelling me to notice it

Opaque, tugging for my attention

Look at me, look at me, look at me

But I can’t because it’s not actually there

It’s almost dormant

But when I try to switch of

It’s look at me look at me worry about me worry please worry

It’s entirely fallible logic locked away in a huge piece of amber

Every time I run-run-run away

There’s a swell of grey, choppy, violent

Over the hills but not far [away]

I have an abstract notion of control of the fear

Certain actions pause proceedings

It’s dark down here

It’s quiet in this cave

I can hear you high above [muffled]

There is no concept of duration

There is no thought of raise

No thought

I spy the monster over the hill

Breath in the air

You don’t scare me [you do]

You don’t control me [you do]

You don’t own me [you do]

I don’t scare you [I do]

I don’t control you [I do]

I don’t own you [I do]

Criss-cross pitter-patter

Mud sludge grey shift

Empty space

Void space

Spiral [down]

Mist [missed]

lack of rhythm [missed]

cobalt, pyrite

Three layers of dreams

antagnoized

wake [up]

Two layer of life

sleep [daze]

Opening, closing, locked

key [jam]

one layer of end[ing]