Abyssal

I had three things to remember that day

One was eyes open – look around, observe

Second was work out if this was a game or an alternative – reach out, try to peel pack my vision like it’s a curtain

The third was to decide – committed, is this something I want over with or not?

I was strung out from little to no sleep; summertime, too much energy

like the rays of the sun entered me and powered me up like electricity

or a power up in a game

and no matter how much I scurried around trying to use it up

I couldn’t

But then I also had thick grey smog cloud thoughts of death hanging over me like

a cloud

wherever

I went

Which also wouldn’t shift no matter how much I ran, walked or tried to

trick

or

decieve

the cloud

and

the rays

So at this point as the train comes in I don’t even know if

my reality is real

if this is a game

who the character is

Until one day I felt more, different

medication in me, course correction

information collation

piece by piece

But there seems to be always be

a part of me

a little part

but a tiny little shard of me

still stood on the platform, wondering

does one step ending everything

end it?

it’s sighs of orange cold horizon drop

still

it’s the ticking of one clock after than other, all competing for my melancholic self absorbed looping thoughts

it’s the neon vivid oh so real dream I had last night

had a journey through time (tick tock)

you were you but also you weren’t

like some kind of spaghetti brain mishmash construction

i was me but speeding through hyper real time, liquid molten highway

faster and faster with no urge or ability to slow down or shout to you to keep up

then I was festering behind the same brick walls and windows that keep me contained and confused

the tick tock was louder, I could feel it coursing through me

felt it in my speech and my breath

how distant you now where in space and time and distorted fading memories

i woke up in a strange daze, yeah kinda confused

wondered if I am constrained by time or if time is just a cellar door flung open by stale winds

Black-blue, so murky I couldn’t even tell you

of the colours on top and within

let alone

way way

way

way

down at the bottom

I do know I can’t judge the depth

so it worries me that I’m

thinking of down down

quick splash tumble over

bubbles out

air gone

Find some stillness at the bottom

Age old sediment, dust, rubbish

that died a lifetime ago

feels like it’s been here throughout time

just waiting for little old me to find it

to bask in it

to bathe in the melancholy and pointlessness of it all

hidden away

Fathoms below, centuries below

I can’t see the surface

not even the sun-hit shard reflection like a fucked up broken mirror

I can’t hear above

vague muffle, could be industrial, a tangent, an ending

coming through the water like an arc

the boat (ship?) above me

fast faster now like the beating of my heart

like my pulse in my blood is to my heartbeat in this water

And all I can really think about is

what was the point of this all

dash dash dash

Flow to horizon, green

Coursing through every vein every artery every atom of my being

Sun on windscreen flash of wisdom of knowing

Hypnotic shard of light of courage of clarity with crystal glow

Entire world I see in one rhythm and connected

pulse, pulse, pulse

ebb, flow, flow, flown

Cars like blood cells

embryonic thoughts break out of amber

First thoughts taking shape and breath like a confused newborn

nurture, nurture, nature

Gravity, growth, growing

winter lack of leaves pulses of green

concrete morse code embedded instructions

I can read them feel them but cannot articulate them

one hill two hills an omen

Change lanes change life click of indicator tick tock tick

Move forward to the river

move forward to the sun

move forward can not stop

pulse beat violet heart silver in my blood copper in my vision

green verge sidewind overtake discover

With every single aimless unconscious breath moving forward like Voyager on an infinite mission

Ground control I can’t hear you

Ground control I’m transmitting on a new frequency

ground control you’ve gone pixellated unsteady Gaussian blur

ground control?

now the stars ..the gap between stars I can touch, feel, detect through older hands, maybe some wisdom

in the pilot seat with 100s of controls, displays stuck in amber blocks and my vision is failing

ground control?

Set distance to starfinity

Set speed to brain warp

Ground. Control

just a tiny dustspeck miniscule of history locked in time

still alive, kinda, if you squint

Ground control I think we have a problem

I think I’m slowing now

candyfloss thick and transient

Think transition to skyline horizon

Red rear lights as far as I can see

I’m going to ground

going to air to space to time to heart to soul stop and whisper

whisper of time of history of jet black eyes of open window cold smoke

whisper a memory of drink and smoke and theory of love push back hair from eyes peeping out

whisper gently a memory so far gone it’s moulded plastic into a parody figure

ground control you’re transmitting so slowly so infrequently I may as well be on me own in white sage smoke

A wall

a big, rolling, moving, gonna-get-you wall

of noise

of noise of every person

and their thoughts

and their emotions

and their judgement

bundling towards me like a juggernaut

enveloping me with every single frequency

sometimes words jump out of the chaos, sometimes just becomes one

glass fragment of conversation, a word here and there and then just

chaos, cacophony

Symphony of my nightmares

I wonder what it’s like

imagine not feeling the wall of noise

not being taken over in mind, body and spirit by it

I try to remember that somewhere in the chaos

somewhere embedded into the noise

somewhere there’s sense.

I take a mental tour of the house I grew up in

Some of it detailed, oozing with colour

others blurred or pixelated out

memories worn down by years and decades

replacing items with ones from my schema

I watch my feet walk but they make no sound

An absolute stillness, everything frozen

a whole world of memories but noone to share them with

going back in time just to find nothing there

just static, empty air

everyone’s walked out of the room and they’re not coming back

so I’ll just sit here in this timeless empty memory that it feels I’m the only one chasing

like if I could just fill in the gaps I’d be fixed [at least, no longer broken]

like I’m chasing something that might not be there

but regardless it pulls me in its mouth, devours me

so I keep on chasing

visiting

remembering.

Looking through a box – tiny hole [think pin]

All the way inside – white, black, red – only little world

Magnified and distorted, bending of ligh

I could reach in and pull myself in and live there

But I can’t, so I’ll just

Eye wide open against the glass

Side to side and up and down

A little tiny world I created

But it’s static and I know it’s not real

There isn’t even any pretend people in there

Just some walls.

I know it might not seem much

Just a tiny fragment of a memory in a box

Not even wrapped up, just sat there lonely with some old documents

The ones that smell of old books, of long-gone DNA, of happiness, of sadness

But it counts for a lot, more than I bargained for in fact

It’s like time is looping in on itself, and I can sense on the object your touch, your breath, your thoughts the last time you touched it

I think about how you probably weren’t aware it was the last time

And yet here we are, we fast forward, still frame like a movie

Me opening the box and holding this little treasure

It’s not valuable, there’s no exchange for currency

Even if there was, I’m not selling

I don’t want to hold it too long, I don’t want its magic to evaporate into the air

Into the air, out of sight, into the universe until it’s just microscopic specks of your memory

Nope, I just want to hold this tight, be cocooned by your memories and legacy

I wish you knew that although you’re gone, it’s these little pieces of you and your life that linger and keep you alive in my heart and mind and soul

I wish

Three times the charm, your reputation supersedes you

Opening a book wide open so much the spine started to crack

Pages trembling and cracking from age

But I know you touched these pages, I can sense your history, your legacy, your DNA

I feel and sense time wrapping and warping from your years to mine

I feel the air change and tense as time folds over like a crashing wave

This was destiny, I hear you say

I look up to rain on window, cracked memory of a forest from so long ago I can’t even begin

My recollection is vivid then dull then empty

Perhaps

..this memory was a story I read

.. a page in your book

…a time you read it out loud

Perhaps

..your DNA enters mine

…your legacy entwines with mine

… future vs past vs future vs now

I have to close this book

I’m sorry but it’s just for now

I put a bookmark in there to remind me, I used an old ticket

Something to jog my memory when I have none

Something to hold on to when my mind becomes so fierce and fiery +dragonlike

I don’t know how many more years

Slowly giving in to the inevitable spiral up

Spiral down

That familiar dizziness working its way through my bones

It doesn’t really offer salvation but it threatens to

I saw something new today, when I looked zoomed-into-right-into-my-eye close

On the ground – kind of like gold or some kind of treasure

Maybe treasure I buried a long [very] long time ago

Or maybe it’s just a root. Maybe I’m digging & digging & digging

In utter futility, getting blunter and blunter until I realise there’s no payload to be had

I looked forward to going home one day. Just me in solitude – safe I guess you could say

Moving a toy plane around and around my room, resenting the freedom it had

Building another world within world to escape into, thinking maybe I could find some way to teleport into [but not out of] it

Considering if time travel could be real + where and when I’d go if so

A slow but frantic toing and froing, push/pull, pull/push, up/down, down/up. It’s inevitable I see

….you in sunlight, you were looking up slightly – I don’t think it was wavering, more like

…a temporary solace I could frame into one embrace, feet on grass, peak of summer, peak of high

….more and more quick decisions, ink into arm, letter after letter after letter

…..I often wonder when [where] what [if] could [really] if escape was real, frankly

was anything real [is]

I’m looking up at another plane but it’s one you’re on and it’s way way way out of reach and now

now I can just see contrails , white on blue [blue on white]

I can’t breathe I can only watch as it dissipates

That solace was only ever temporary, crystal-white delusional pump of adrenaline hope wishing.