Looking through a box – tiny hole [think pin]
All the way inside – white, black, red – only little world
Magnified and distorted, bending of ligh
I could reach in and pull myself in and live there
But I can’t, so I’ll just
Eye wide open against the glass
Side to side and up and down
A little tiny world I created
But it’s static and I know it’s not real
There isn’t even any pretend people in there
Just some walls.
I know it might not seem much
Just a tiny fragment of a memory in a box
Not even wrapped up, just sat there lonely with some old documents
The ones that smell of old books, of long-gone DNA, of happiness, of sadness
But it counts for a lot, more than I bargained for in fact
It’s like time is looping in on itself, and I can sense on the object your touch, your breath, your thoughts the last time you touched it
I think about how you probably weren’t aware it was the last time
And yet here we are, we fast forward, still frame like a movie
Me opening the box and holding this little treasure
It’s not valuable, there’s no exchange for currency
Even if there was, I’m not selling
I don’t want to hold it too long, I don’t want its magic to evaporate into the air
Into the air, out of sight, into the universe until it’s just microscopic specks of your memory
Nope, I just want to hold this tight, be cocooned by your memories and legacy
I wish you knew that although you’re gone, it’s these little pieces of you and your life that linger and keep you alive in my heart and mind and soul
I wish
Three times the charm, your reputation supersedes you
Opening a book wide open so much the spine started to crack
Pages trembling and cracking from age
But I know you touched these pages, I can sense your history, your legacy, your DNA
I feel and sense time wrapping and warping from your years to mine
I feel the air change and tense as time folds over like a crashing wave
This was destiny, I hear you say
I look up to rain on window, cracked memory of a forest from so long ago I can’t even begin
My recollection is vivid then dull then empty
Perhaps
..this memory was a story I read
.. a page in your book
…a time you read it out loud
Perhaps
..your DNA enters mine
…your legacy entwines with mine
… future vs past vs future vs now
I have to close this book
I’m sorry but it’s just for now
I put a bookmark in there to remind me, I used an old ticket
Something to jog my memory when I have none
Something to hold on to when my mind becomes so fierce and fiery +dragonlike
I don’t know how many more years
Slowly giving in to the inevitable spiral up
Spiral down
That familiar dizziness working its way through my bones
It doesn’t really offer salvation but it threatens to
I saw something new today, when I looked zoomed-into-right-into-my-eye close
On the ground – kind of like gold or some kind of treasure
Maybe treasure I buried a long [very] long time ago
Or maybe it’s just a root. Maybe I’m digging & digging & digging
In utter futility, getting blunter and blunter until I realise there’s no payload to be had
I looked forward to going home one day. Just me in solitude – safe I guess you could say
Moving a toy plane around and around my room, resenting the freedom it had
Building another world within world to escape into, thinking maybe I could find some way to teleport into [but not out of] it
Considering if time travel could be real + where and when I’d go if so
A slow but frantic toing and froing, push/pull, pull/push, up/down, down/up. It’s inevitable I see
….you in sunlight, you were looking up slightly – I don’t think it was wavering, more like
…a temporary solace I could frame into one embrace, feet on grass, peak of summer, peak of high
….more and more quick decisions, ink into arm, letter after letter after letter
…..I often wonder when [where] what [if] could [really] if escape was real, frankly
was anything real [is]
I’m looking up at another plane but it’s one you’re on and it’s way way way out of reach and now
now I can just see contrails , white on blue [blue on white]
I can’t breathe I can only watch as it dissipates
That solace was only ever temporary, crystal-white delusional pump of adrenaline hope wishing.