whenitrains

Stipulation [Unwound]

by

I had three things to remember that day

One was eyes open – look around, observe

Second was work out if this was a game or an alternative – reach out, try to peel pack my vision like it’s a curtain

The third was to decide – committed, is this something I want over with or not?

I was strung out from little to no sleep; summertime, too much energy

like the rays of the sun entered me and powered me up like electricity

or a power up in a game

and no matter how much I scurried around trying to use it up

I couldn’t

But then I also had thick grey smog cloud thoughts of death hanging over me like

a cloud

wherever

I went

Which also wouldn’t shift no matter how much I ran, walked or tried to

trick

or

decieve

the cloud

and

the rays

So at this point as the train comes in I don’t even know if

my reality is real

if this is a game

who the character is

Until one day I felt more, different

medication in me, course correction

information collation

piece by piece

But there seems to be always be

a part of me

a little part

but a tiny little shard of me

still stood on the platform, wondering

does one step ending everything

end it?

Consortium

by

I gathered by the whispered shadows

the ones that quickly disappeared somewhere among us but nowhere

that the flittering chemicals of thought between brain cells

the ones that diminish often and nourish less so

I gathered by the glances, eyes fleeting, dashing, darting

so quick it felt I was the only one in the world who could detect them

despite my mind never slowing down near enough

But I did

I saw the look, double take, some with fear some with humour some with a detached kindness

So with this I had to do more more more

really it seemed at the time that

if I could do more harm to myself, make it visible

I’d be a champion

But you don’t see me, they didn’t see me

I’m sat in a grass field at dark and I’m invisible

dusk came and went

and whatever I did, however much I willed you to look at me and ask me

I couldn’t

oh I tried

made up mind games, focussed everything on transferring this thought that says

help, I don’t know what the fuck is going on

the one that said

I have everything but feel like I have nothing

the one that said

I know I shouldn’t feel this way

this empty chasm feeling

this constant feeling of guilt, sometimes warranted, often not

that I know I have chances and luck and fortune

but all I feel now is confusion and self-doubt and self-hate

That this tool, this way of turning my skin into ribbons feels like all I have

that and numbing myself

and when I stay up late when all the world is asleep

I mean I know it’s not, but it feels like it

feels like I’m the only living being on earth awake, feeling, grabbing at this intensity and trying to push it away

away

away

away

Thinking, how do I cope with this? The monster who flies in through the dark, through the wind

sometimes expected, sometimes not

never a welcome guest

never

But he loves the ribbons

loves the sigh I give signaling defeat

promises never again

promises, I know I’m better

but deep down I don’t believe that

So I’m at listening to the rain, and every single drop, every crystal clear drop of water combines together to make this

white noise shadow

that’s tuning everything out just for now

I will you, keep raining, keep fucking raining

I need this noise to envelope my head, let it spread through my brain, nullifying noise and feelings

please just for a few minutes

I don’t mind thunder

you can bring me lightning

but please I need this noise right now

I can not take these inevitable loops and swoops and patterns forever

I know the monster looks at me, feeds from my will ebbing away into the night

feeding frenzy on fear, on emptiness, on my defeat

And that’s why they’re here looking

why I can’t explain it

or I can and it seems too good, to smooth reflected polished

makes too much sense

or I shut down and I’m just null

not even zero

or negative

just null

It’s A Transient Thing

by

it’s sighs of orange cold horizon drop

still

it’s the ticking of one clock after than other, all competing for my melancholic self absorbed looping thoughts

it’s the neon vivid oh so real dream I had last night

had a journey through time (tick tock)

you were you but also you weren’t

like some kind of spaghetti brain mishmash construction

i was me but speeding through hyper real time, liquid molten highway

faster and faster with no urge or ability to slow down or shout to you to keep up

then I was festering behind the same brick walls and windows that keep me contained and confused

the tick tock was louder, I could feel it coursing through me

felt it in my speech and my breath

how distant you now where in space and time and distorted fading memories

i woke up in a strange daze, yeah kinda confused

wondered if I am constrained by time or if time is just a cellar door flung open by stale winds

Horizon [Grey]

by

I’ve been chasing dust of road into sky

I had the best intent, rust into lust

exit the dreams of angels and pin-prick star skies

hold on to motion, an imperfect gaussian motion blur into a white stripe hit the side

Found myself sliding a hand down a stark cold metal bannister

trying to stop myself contemplating forgiveness over a grey mush of thoughts

Give up the thought of being prepared, yeah

locked in mentally, tiger stripe eyes

Creaking heart, fizz bubble bottle opening

trying to slow down the eagle swoop around and round of the clock hand

breathe

breathe

I remember bracken landscape

feet in cold water, fragmented reflection of my young face

confusion looking back at me

swirl my feet round, kick up sediment

watch my face spin

Now I move ever slow, ever fast

past signs, indications and vindication

A brain with wiring done wrong

neutral into live, screws not tightly in

chiselling away at miles, one million beats of my heart

no chance to reminisce

Rat Race

by

It might be that choking grey dust where I see you running around

point to point

without any point

and all I can do is look down at you

Standing here tapping my feet

waiting for time, waiting for

what?

I just need to hear that welcome whine of the next train

pulling in

with its promises of

adventure

space

excitement

I need its promise to carry me

carry me

away

away

Picking up speed, faster and faster

not going home

not going away

somewhere inbetween

somewhere no-one can touch me

En-route

delayed

Deep In

by

Black-blue, so murky I couldn’t even tell you

of the colours on top and within

let alone

way way

way

way

down at the bottom

I do know I can’t judge the depth

so it worries me that I’m

thinking of down down

quick splash tumble over

bubbles out

air gone

Find some stillness at the bottom

Age old sediment, dust, rubbish

that died a lifetime ago

feels like it’s been here throughout time

just waiting for little old me to find it

to bask in it

to bathe in the melancholy and pointlessness of it all

hidden away

Fathoms below, centuries below

I can’t see the surface

not even the sun-hit shard reflection like a fucked up broken mirror

I can’t hear above

vague muffle, could be industrial, a tangent, an ending

coming through the water like an arc

the boat (ship?) above me

fast faster now like the beating of my heart

like my pulse in my blood is to my heartbeat in this water

And all I can really think about is

what was the point of this all

Can’t [can]

by

An inevitable ending

it’s winter

I remember how the ice looked, so so still

Felt like the moment was ours, stood still with the entire world

somewhere else

Had that naïve energy and hope of youth

making specks of time into infinite horizons

You on a pedestal so so high

me just churning trying to bring two gems together

into

one

Photos stuck into the frame of a mirror

curling from the sun

fading ever so slowly

I took them down

had to

But this only made me see me easier

which I didn’t want

I didn’t want to sit still, alone with my breath + hopes + fears

Wanted to fast-track rewind, skip the ads

relive that moment

relive that hope

relive that energy

Be Still Now In The Grey

by

Hold on just a little longer

please

if not for you, for me

I need that softness, that comfort, your heartbeat

When you leave (it used to be if, now it’s when)

what will you feel and see in your final heartbeat on earth?

will it be a flashlight from the past, the smile and comfort of a loved one?

or a glimpse of a shining future could’ve been

When your last breath falls out, a final sigh

did you find comfort or salvation?

was there a moment where you felt ‘aha’

did you see the gentle translucent figures of ghosts past in the corner

willing you in?

Did you try, just for a wispy moment

to not take their hand?

Was the pull slight and weak, or did it draw you in like the spiral down in a water slide

into kaleidoscope dreams, a candy field

Could you hear everything, like a pin drop or a butterfly heartbeat?

did the entire universe stop, did the world stop doing its stupid dumb spinning dance

just for you

just for your final moment

Was me being two minutes late a generous act of blue sky fate

or did I also fail, did I stumble and hesitate just long enough

Was my quick-pace-but-scared intent too little too late?

did I enter just in time to miss the calm chaos + the room spinning

Or maybe I wasn’t to be

that moment wasn’t mine to share

Amber-then-red-stay where you are, stay

Only wanted me to see the still, when gentle beats stop

but I could sense it still you know

sense the escape, the exit, the finality to it all

if you were a butterfly I’d sense that final slow, lazy yawn of your wings dropping to the ground

to rest

to peace

to white cotton wool foggy sky

And those drifting vibrations of change, of time, of you

still resonate and falter and yearn and influence

all these years

later

later

sometimes ebbing into nothing, just a gentle glow, red LED in the dark

like

I’m here, still here

just gently

Then other times, beat beat

old photos, scent of old books in attic, black & white history

a sense of you, who you were, who you shaped me to be

If only I could zoom out so, so so so far in the universe

I could just simply look back, zoom in on you

in your favorite space and position in time and the universe

and you’d still be there

sun shine, smiles, no sense of

impending loss

But I’d be so far away, too far away to capture it

I’d reach out knowing I can never grasp that moment again.

[No] Horizon

by

In sea-blue limited floor dredged thoughts

Out of season, harbour, fog to sky

Silhouette of a stranger, poised with gentle dignity

Wind into cliff, into face, into soul

Arms held high, against the insane hugeness of the sky

Voice scattered in the wind, words fluttering around, rushing, confused

One step, two steps, three, no more

more

Ocean crash, life as a car crash, swell, waves, forget

Endless moment of decision, of shadow with no form or memory

Just a drastic foggy brain, holding on to something, anything

waiting for the waves to come in, to subside

but knowing as well

I love the storm

the storm loves me

that black swirling vortex void I can feel in every cell

rushing through my brain, no, through my soul

Standing on the cliff, edge closer, nearer, further

time still yet noisy

subside.

The Corroded Memories

by

They say the flap of a butterfly wing causes tiny changes with such vast impacts

But when I look at this red/black flitter flutter flapper I see no echo, no ripped effect

crossing times, years, countries and space

just a dull reflection in the muddy water below me

my face bending distorted through time trust and memories

Flash back to a childhood home, a memory once encased and sealed

now silently slowly corroding and rusting without remedy

my heart beats faster then slower, easy now, easy

plant a seed, watch it die, wither

some things better left buried

There’s a ripple wind blowing right through me, wrapping itself around each bone until they ache

A constant reminder of time, of memories increasingly out of focus

looking up from the murky waters of now, through a periscope, through colours to above and the pasrt

And I’m scanning around to find you on the beach, gentle smile, hair blowing in the early summer breeze

it’s so tangible, I can, I can… I can’t

and I see scattered remnants of letters, of love, of hope, of promise

being swayed and persuaded and pushed by the winds of time

they’re in tiny pieces now, so fragmented I could never piece together the word or letters

they’re blowing in the wind now

And I turn my face back to you but you’ve nearly gone, fading until just a whisper of smoke

I blink again and you’re gone. It’s all gone.
I see only rust, broken down industrial building, nature desperately trying to cling to it, to rebuild

and I realise I have nothing to cling to

empty air in my hands

I’d make a fist but what’s the point

and that light? that gentle reminder blink<>blink<>blink?

it’s so far away now I might just be imagining it.

that if I close my eyes so hard and press on them I’ll see stars and it’s your light

But I know it isn’t, it can’t be

it’s the vast deception of my mind, a decaying grey mass I call me