After 112,892 rabbit holes
Body zapping me awake over and over and over
Color all gone to monochrome
Heart rate raised but entirely useless
Dopamine all wrung out and dried in the sun
Thinking of 100 different ways to piece together one million fragments
Using no glue or tools or skills or reference or assistance
And just staring at them laid there on the floor
Some shiny in the sun, some dulled with dust, some just beyond repair
Thinking to myself, how do I piece these together so this time they just stick?
How do I take all these fragments, make them whole but make them strong?
And maybe I can’t
Maybe I’m chasing a strength I can’t have or figure out
Maybe there are so many hairline cracks that one day I’ll just
shatter
and just be looking up to the sky, evaluating and over-analysing the way the clouds are moving above me
Maybe it’s so fragile I’ll just
smash into countless pieces
and then at least have some integrity of not pretending I’m not a mess
gradually decaying and becoming one with the ground, the soil, the earth
just a speck of dust that caught your eye when it reflected in the sun
just for that split of a split-second moment
then the angle of the sunlight changes
and I retreat into shadow