“The bottom dropped out of my world” you said
I nodded, it had
dropped out
of
mine too
In my whirlwind endeavour I tried to
understand
be absorbed by it
“I’m so proud of you” you said
I nodded but
but
I thought of all the reasons why you shouldn’t
yes but
yes but
I wish I had said
I am so proud of you
was so proud
still am so proud
I wish I had said
how lucky I was to be with you nearly all the way
and how guilty I felt for not holding you at the end
even though
even though
I know you probably didn’t want me there
And all that fog, that sharp grip of cold as I ran up to you
it wasn’t mine
nor yours
I know I have to stop wishing
wishing I’d said
wishing I’d done
wishing I’d held
wishing I’d asked
A wish won’t change
it won’t bring you back
And I can catch myself
stood on the shore
looking out to sea
all that infinity
I wish I could bend time, distort it
zoom out so much, so many lightyears out
that I would see you alive still
happy
healthy
But I’d be so so far away
millions of lightyears
just an observer
late in the universe
So I have to just remind myself
you were
you had happiness
I don’t need to wish for that to happen
And now, older, I feel so far away
from you, from who I was
and I wonder if you’re observing me from afar
pinprick star, glimmer of chrome in the sky
Enveloping me, sky wrapping round me in black, blue, glimmer
saying
it will be alright
I’m proud of you
I was proud of you
I’m proud of who you have become
Then I look at your photo
and, even though it’s a lifetime away
it reminds me
(as I need it sometimes)
you had tons of happiness
you had climbs, summits
you too looked at the sky, the clouds
and I wonder as the earth spins
if I’m in the same space you once were
And I wonder when I open books you once touched
if your DNA is on it
I opened a book once, receipt from an airport shop you bought it from
suddenly time folds in and for that moment I’m there with you
transient
And then I think
we’re all transient
this moment is transient
and yet
just yet
maybe
just maybe
love isn’t
pride isn’t
legacy isn’t.