Hold on just a little longer
please
if not for you, for me
I need that softness, that comfort, your heartbeat
When you leave (it used to be if, now it’s when)
what will you feel and see in your final heartbeat on earth?
will it be a flashlight from the past, the smile and comfort of a loved one?
or a glimpse of a shining future could’ve been
When your last breath falls out, a final sigh
did you find comfort or salvation?
was there a moment where you felt ‘aha’
did you see the gentle translucent figures of ghosts past in the corner
willing you in?
Did you try, just for a wispy moment
to not take their hand?
Was the pull slight and weak, or did it draw you in like the spiral down in a water slide
into kaleidoscope dreams, a candy field
Could you hear everything, like a pin drop or a butterfly heartbeat?
did the entire universe stop, did the world stop doing its stupid dumb spinning dance
just for you
just for your final moment
Was me being two minutes late a generous act of blue sky fate
or did I also fail, did I stumble and hesitate just long enough
Was my quick-pace-but-scared intent too little too late?
did I enter just in time to miss the calm chaos + the room spinning
Or maybe I wasn’t to be
that moment wasn’t mine to share
Amber-then-red-stay where you are, stay
Only wanted me to see the still, when gentle beats stop
but I could sense it still you know
sense the escape, the exit, the finality to it all
if you were a butterfly I’d sense that final slow, lazy yawn of your wings dropping to the ground
to rest
to peace
to white cotton wool foggy sky
And those drifting vibrations of change, of time, of you
still resonate and falter and yearn and influence
all these years
later
later
sometimes ebbing into nothing, just a gentle glow, red LED in the dark
like
I’m here, still here
just gently
Then other times, beat beat
old photos, scent of old books in attic, black & white history
a sense of you, who you were, who you shaped me to be
If only I could zoom out so, so so so far in the universe
I could just simply look back, zoom in on you
in your favorite space and position in time and the universe
and you’d still be there
sun shine, smiles, no sense of
impending loss
But I’d be so far away, too far away to capture it
I’d reach out knowing I can never grasp that moment again.